


Ennoshita's Theory

by thepessimist



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anime Spoilers, Ennoshita-centric, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Manga Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-06-04 22:09:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 29,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6677314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepessimist/pseuds/thepessimist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ennoshita thinks he's pretty average and Tanaka thinks he's just pretty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Midnight Wondering and Something About Volleyball

**Author's Note:**

> This story follows the canon timeline; all I did was change up the dialogue, so there will be spoilers.
> 
> The title was taken from Wesley's Theory by Kendrick Lamar; take a listen to it (and the entire album).

Ennoshita had a theory, a strange theory. One that crept up on him when his room was too dark, his bed too warm, but his feet too cold. He was a background character, in some plot, something way bigger than him. Guy #3, if you will; Guy #1 would be asking for too much. Like his life- no not his life- _someone else’s_ was a show and he was that one average back up that no one bothered to flesh out, which he was even if his theory didn’t hold true. 

It was exactly 12:43 A.M. His room was dark, his bed was warm, his feet were cold and his strange theory didn’t seem so strange. 

If his walls could talk, all they would do is complain about Ennoshita staring at them for hours on end, searching for answers. Like now, as Ennoshita held his hands above his face, staring at them intently. He squinted hard at them, focusing as though the fate of the universe was hidden between the lines of his palms or balanced delicately on the tips of his stubby nails. _This scene would definitely not make the final cut_ , he thought bitterly, _‘Guy #3 looks at his hand in search of an answer to all his problems for an hour.’ Catchy and definitely screen worthy._ He scoffed at the so-called main character in his life. That guy had it so easy. Yeah, he probably had a fundamental dramatic problem that would take a series of very interesting events for Mr. Hero Guy to overcome, but Ennoshita doubted that any of it could ever be as painful as coming to terms with your own mediocrity. 

He broke his focus as the edges of his hands started to blur into the darkness around it and clenched his fists until his nails dug into his palms that, unfortunately, did not contain answers to his petty woes, let alone the universe. He dropped them by his sides with a loud sigh that was a pathetic replacement for the horrific scream that wanted to tear through him and silence all the thoughts that paraded through his mind, pounding on the walls of his skull. The pain killers he took earlier had done nothing for his headache and instead just put him in a twilight zone that, ironically, caused him to think thoughts that caused even more hammering in his head. Yes, he can definitely blame all the crazy theories on the drugs. It’s not him that’s fucked up; it’s those dumb little carbon compounds in those stupid pills. But he’s taken a chemistry class and knows well enough that there are no common side effects to acetaminophen and if there were it wouldn’t be ‘causes user to contemplate reality for up to 5 hours’. 

Ennoshita knew the real source for all his anxiety centered on his outstanding ability to be average and it had nothing to do with little white pills. The source was even more insignificant than tablets. It was a single word that haunted someone who, like Ennoshita, found comfort in being the background. _Captain._ More specifically everyone wanting _him_ to be captain. Maybe it wasn’t just him and pain killers really did cause you to think weird because they were definitely affecting the volleyball club.

It had been discussed before between the second years, but it was a quick conversation as they walked home after practice. Ennoshita had been too tired to put up a real fight and figured Noya and Tanaka were too hyped on the ice cream they were eating to really be sane of mind, at least enough that he could somehow still worm his way out of it later. But today Daichi, as in current captain-and-basically-the-foundation-of-Karasuno’s-volleyball-club Daichi, made a passing remark.

_“Come on don’t look so tired!” he had said when Ennoshita had wearily gotten up after the team meeting, painstakingly taking his time, “We can’t have our future captain slacking!”_

Daichi, as in my-recieves-are-as-solid-as-my-cement-thighs, Daichi, acknowledged that he should be his replacement. His casualness made it all the more real. Ennoshita should’ve been flattered. If he was Mr. Main Character he probably would’ve accepted with tears in his eyes and a heartfelt speech on his lips. Yet, he was Guy #3, something everyone else seemed to forget. Guy #3 curled up into a ball at the very thought of leading a team and true to his role Ennoshita did too.

_Let’s leave it to Future Ennoshita. He’ll definitely know what to do_ , he reasoned to himself, staring hard at his ceiling, which had started look closer to a black abyss, _I mean he’s got to know something we don’t. Right?_

Ennoshita had to physically stop himself from thinking about his impending doom, by shutting his eyes tightly and focusing on the tournament ahead. They had gotten past prelims today, so they would get to play again tomorrow or technically later today as his clock reminded him that it was well past midnight. He wasn’t even a part of the “they” because “they” were extraordinary and he was, well, just an extra. 

He lined up his teammates in his mind, all of them proud and strong and a little beautiful. His mind began to focus on a particular loud spiker, but the rational part of him shut it down quickly. One problem at a time. His pining would have to wait for another thinking session. He tried to focus harder on volleyball but, _he_ kept making his way into his thoughts, weaving his way through Ennoshita's mind. Not that _he_ could possibly be interested in Ennoshita. He was a starter and Ennoshita kept the bench warm.

_At least you don’t have to play tomorrow_ , a small tiny voice in his head said. Ennoshita almost sighed in relief at the thought, easily giving in to the weaker part of him. Yes, he could admit that he was completely unprepared to play and was rather glad he wasn’t starting tomorrow. _Future Ennoshita might be prepared_ , he thought. But current Ennoshita and his underdeveloped skills would not do well in a match. 

Good thing the rest of his team was strong. Good thing he wasn’t needed. 

As Ennoshita started to fall asleep, his last thoughts of volleyball and certain spikers slipping into darkness, he swore he could hear some god above him laughing about something he didn’t know, but it was probably just the pills talking.

  


* * *

  


_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Why Daichi? Why now? Why me?_

Ennoshita’s thoughts were out of control as he jogged on to the court, trying to keep a calm cool collected façade on. It was totally not working. He heard the same laughter from last night, which was definitely not helping at all. His stomach churned as though he had eaten greasy diner food for an entire week, but in reality he barely managed to eat breakfast this morning. 

First all the captain shit and now he’s actually playing in a match. _What is it his character arc?_ Ennoshita really just wanted to curl up in a ball and die because fuck character development he was not prepared to play. Instead he clenched his fists tightly and walked mechanically to his place. His legs were on autopilot, as his brain was too busy trying to remember what volleyball even was.

_Focus. Focus. Focus._

He bumped into something hard. Ok, maybe that was too much focusing. 

Tanaka’s bright face was suddenly in front of him and a firm grip was around his waist. A soft smile played on his lips as he gazed at Ennoshita with an expression he had never seen before. It was light, cozy, and tentative, all things he didn’t usually associate with the rambunctious spiker. It was the type of look that could keep Ennoshita up almost as much as contemplating reality did. 

“You doin’ alright there?” Tanaka asked softly, like he was something delicate and precious, fingers on the small of his back rubbed comforting circles that honestly made Ennoshita even more nervous, “You look like you’re about to throw up!”

Ennoshita blinked blankly back, the contact momentarily dazing him. _Man his smile is so bright._

Ennoshita pushed Tanaka away, after indulging himself for a bit with his close proximity, because that is what everyone expected him to do. Anytime Tanaka showed affection towards him Ennoshita felt like he was taking advantage of him, since Tanaka had no idea he was majorly crushing on him, so his reactions are rather over exaggerated and end up being quite violent. 

“I’m fine!” Ennoshita said more harshly than he intended. When he saw hurt flash across Tanaka’s expression though his tone quickly softened, “I just- I’m really freaking nervous. I haven’t played officially in a while now and I didn’t sleep well last night and I don’t feel ready.”

Ennoshita could tell he was rambling now and his mind created beautifully vivid scenarios where Tanaka would sweep him up and stop him with a kiss. Instead he got a hard chop to his head. Tanaka must have learned how to express his feelings from Suga.

“Don’t worry you’ll be fine! There’s a reason you’re our future captain,” Tanaka said confidently with a smile so wide his eyes turned into slits, “And even if you’re not you’ve always—“

“Got me!” Hinata interrupted, “No one will block my spikes Ennoshita senpai!”

“Hinata!” Tanaka screeched, turning his attention to the small first year, “I was trying to look cool in front of Ennoshita! Now he’s gonna think I’m lame!”

“Sorry,” Hinata said as he seemed to physically shrink to get away from Tanaka’s screaming, “You were saying something so gwah! I had to!”

Tanaka didn’t seem to think this was an adequate excuse as he kept mumbling about Hinata jacking his style and that he was loud and obnoxious way before Hinata was even on the team. Though not in the way he intended, Tanaka did manage to calm Ennoshita down slightly. His bickering with Hinata put him in a familiar mode, like this was a practice match between them during training camp. 

And also Tanaka was trying to look cool? _In front of him?_ That thought alone made Ennoshita feel like he was bursting into flames on the spot, even if he automatically reprimanded himself for thinking too far into Tanaka’s passing remark. He, for obvious reasons, expressed none of this and instead opted for his usual uncaring expression.

“It’s too late I already think you are lame,” Ennoshita deadpanned and watched as Tanaka physically deflated.

“Now come on, no more messing around, we’ve got a match to win!” He added quickly with a tap on the forehead to cheer him up, a pouty Tanaka was seriously his biggest weakness. Ennoshita’s words lit up Tanaka’s entire being so quickly that he was slightly concerned that the spiker’s moods could be swayed so easily. He and Hinata nodded furiously at his words, their expressions now serious and petty argument long forgotten. Ennoshita’s stomach began to turn again as he remembered the reason he was on the court in the first place.

Ennoshita got into position, ready, or at least pretending to be ready, to receive any ball tossed his way. The whistle left a ringing in his ear. _Concentrate on the ball._

The ball was up. Ennoshita dived and missed. 

The ball went up. Ennoshita spiked and missed. 

The ball went up. Ennoshita served and missed. 

The vicious loop repeated itself over and over. The “don’t minds” his teammates sent him felt mocking almost as they repeated the statement again and again. Of course he was going to fucking mind; he’s missed nearly every ball thrown at him. Fuck, this is going worse than even he imagined. The other team’s cheering was deafening, his own team’s encouragements sounded like screams, the crowd’s yells were so loud. Couldn’t everyone just shut the fuck up? He needed to block them out, block everything out except for the ball if he was going to play semi-decently. _Just concentrate._

The ball went up. Ennoshita dived again and missed.

_Shit. This was going to be a long match._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I kind of wrote this in spurts at like three in the morning while I was listening to way too much Kendrick Lamar (there might be some references, even the title. Tell me if you find any lol.) so this might be a bit weird. As always I am still a new(ish?) writer so any suggestions would be helpful, especially if you find mistakes.
> 
> Also this was originally written as a one-shot but having it that long was stressing me out so I split it up, but because of that it's mostly written already so updates will be pretty frequent.
> 
> Another also, why isn't this pairing more popular? Their dynamic is so good!


	2. Bathroom Break(downs)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ennoshita cries too much and Tanaka cares too much.

They won. They actually won. Whether or not Ennoshita was more of a hindrance than help didn’t matter because they won. He wanted to cry he was so tired and so fucking happy, actually genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. Everyone was jumping on top of him and screaming as though they had already won nationals. The rest of the stadium disappeared as the team gathered around arms tangled so tightly it was hard to tell whose limbs were wrapped around him. The only person not to pounce him immediately was Tanaka. He just stood there staring at him with a dazed expression, standing slightly out of the nest of people the team created. 

Ennoshita raised an eyebrow. “What? It’s not very polite to stare,” he said jokingly. 

“Dude,” Tanaka said rather dumbly, “I think I just fell in love with you.”

“Wha- pfft- What are you-” Ennoshita started to splutter in a very intelligent response, turning redder every second. He was saved, thankfully, by the oh-so timely Noya appearing suddenly, swinging an arm around a very stiff and slightly embarrassed Tanaka.

“Dude me too. That last receive man was beautiful I swear my heart stopped,” He said dramatically. 

Tanaka latched on to this and began nodding his head exaggeratedly and crossed his arms in what was supposed to be a heroic stance, “Yes who didn’t? It was truly magnificent!”

“I did too!” Hinata exclaimed while jumping way too high for someone who played 3 straight sets, “It was so cool! You just came out of nowhere and were like BAM!” He even had an awkward Kageyama backing him up by nodding in agreement in the background; he added a gruff “nice receive” to Hinata’s excited rambling. 

Ennoshita was slightly, maybe more than slightly, disappointed that Tanaka had turned his statement into a joke, and to think for a second there Ennoshita had thought he was being genuine. It hurt a little that Tanaka would say something like that so lightly, when he had been struggling for months to admit that he even had feels for the spiker to himself. His good mood deflated as quickly as it came, Tanaka’s statement bringing his previous worries back to the forefront of his mind. Of course he couldn’t actually be in love with Ennoshita; he didn’t have anything for Tanaka to be in love with. No personality, no skills, nothing that could possibly interest someone as beautiful and bright as Tanaka let alone fall in love with. 

Suddenly everyone’s close proximity made Ennoshita uncomfortable as he replayed every mistake he made in the match. The familiar weight in his stomach was back and felt even heavier than usual. He didn’t deserve anyone’s praise. They were the extraordinary ones, not him. His last receive didn’t make up for all the ones he missed. He really needed to get away; he felt like he was suffocating, but he had to act as normal as possible.

“Don’t say things like that idiots,” he said lightly, smacking the said idiots over the head, “It was nothing amazing. Any of you would’ve done it if you happened to be in my position.” 

Instead of diffusing the hype around him, Ennoshita’s words acted as a catalyst, the others were even more excitable than before. 

“Wow and he’s so modest!” Noya said, fake sobbing with an arm pressed over his eyes in a position that Ennoshita assumed was supposed to make his statement even more dramatic.

“Well he’s the future captain for a reason!” Tanaka added with that fucking bright smile again.

There it was again. _Future captain._ He really couldn’t get away from it. Ennoshita just smiled shyly in response, hoping that would be enough to sedate everyone. Thankfully Narita and Kinoshita decided to show up too, both congratulating Ennoshita on the brilliant receive and causing enough of a distraction to keep the attention off him. He needed to get away

He managed to give everyone the slip when Daichi returned, battle scars and all. Escaping to the nearest bathroom, Ennoshita made sure it was empty before bursting into tears. Choked sobs ran through him, lungs heaving with effort to keep them going. The more he tried to stop them the harder they came out; until there was nothing left.  
Fuck. Where did all of that come from? Ennoshita wasn’t even sure what he was upset about anymore all of it just seemed to pile together inside him and burst out into the horrible sobs he was letting out. 

They won so why was he crying? They won so he shouldn’t feel so empty anymore. Yet the hollow feeling he’s had for the past year hasn’t left him. He thought it would if he was helpful for once it’d go away, but it didn’t. His mistakes chipped away at whatever was left in him.

This is what happens when they take a background character and put him in the front. It messes up the entire balance. It messes up the very fragile equilibrium of Ennoshita’s emotions, but, in the grand scheme of things, sacrificing Guy #3’s emotional stability wasn’t much to move the plot forward (their priorities were fucked up). Ennoshita sure hoped main character guy was satisfied because he was a mess.

His head was spinning he felt a little crazy as the thoughts in his head reflected back at him in the mirror in front of him. Every mistake replayed like a terrible TV show in front of him and all Ennoshita could do was stare blankly, before it all built up into a loud scream. He pulled at his hair as though he could force his way into his mind and get it to shut up, if anything it it made him feel even more unbalanced.

He gripped the sides of the sink, for support, as he watched his tears fall into the waterfall the tap was creating and down the drain. The scene was mesmerizing for some reason. Ennoshita focused on the individual drops as he felt his head clear up slightly; at least his headache was gone.

He felt somewhat lighter and a little embarrased, after his sobs were reduced to whimpering little sniffs. How could he let something so small cause him a mental breakdown. If he did have his own plot it would just be him crying over everything; some hero he was. Ennoshita gazed at his reflection in the mirror and holy shit. _He was a mess._ His cheeks were hollowed, his eyes red and puffy with the largest bags he’d ever seen, and his hair was roughed up in all different directions. He quickly attempted to smooth out his appearance. He could blame his messy hair on playing in the match but his blotchy tear-stained face and puffy eyes needed to be taken care of. He doused his face in water, hiding his tears, luckily just as someone walked in.

With one last self deprecating thought and a final glare at his stupid face in the mirror Ennoshita hurried out of the bathroom. If he was in there for too long everyone would come looking for him and he wasn’t up for more drama, his personality was dramatic enough. 

He was just stepping through the door way, still lost in thought when a loud, obnoxious, and unfortunately familiar voice broke him out of his own mind.

“So what took you so long?”

“Holy crap, Tanaka!” Ennoshita screeched, a very manly screech, “How long have you been standing there?”

“A while,” He said casually leaning against the wall probably in an attempt to look cool, “So like did you really need to shit? Cause you looked terrified when you ran off.”

“Yeah totally that’s why I ran didn’t want to make a mess you know,” he retorted in what Ennoshita hoped was a sarcastic tone. His brain was still not working right and having Tanaka there wasn’t really helping. 

“Liar,” Tanaka said in a clipped tone as he took a few steps forward, his face now inches from Ennoshita’s, as if he was some sort of opponent Tanaka was trying to intimidate, “You’ve been crying.”

“No I haven’t” Ennoshita’s defense was up and he was not going to break down in front of someone, especially not Tanaka.

“Your eyes are puffy.”

“I’ve got allergies.”

“Your face is all red.”

“Really bad allergies.”

“Dude I heard you crying.”

“Sometimes I get sad about my really bad allergies.”

“Wow you are a terrible liar. You know that right?”

“No I wasn’t aware I should really go work on that now.”

“Ennoshita,” Tanaka said as both his tone and glare intensified, “Just tell me what’s wrong.”

Ennoshita instead just blinked at him. “You know if you keep making that face it’ll stick like that,” he said giving a poke between Tanaka’s eyebrows and with one final blank look he turned to walk away. Unfortunately for Ennoshita, Tanaka was being particularly persistent today and tugged him around the waist, holding him in place, just as he was trying to escape.

“Ennoshita,” Tanaka’s voice and expression were soft and those darn fingers were back again, rubbing at Ennoshita’s muscles. Tanaka really needed to learn how to keep his fingers still or Ennoshita was going to explode. He was giving him that look again. The one that’s light and lovely and nothing at all how Tanaka usually is. That coupled with the way Tanaka was holding him made Ennoshita feel precious and fragile like he was about to break. Maybe he was, but Tanaka didn’t need to be aware of that. He looked hesitant as he asked Ennoshita once again, “Tell me what’s wrong. Please?”

His mind always bailed on him when he needed it most, and this moment was no exception. Ennoshita just stared at the ground, keeping his head down as he shook his head furiously as a response to Tanaka’s question. Tanaka was close enough to him that with every shake of his head Tanaka’s nose brushed against the hairs that swung back and forth on Ennoshita’s head. He didn’t seem to mind though as he kept quiet the entire time waiting for a real answer from Ennoshita. 

“I just--,” Ennoshita started, “I can’t do this right now.” He made a pathetic attempt to fight at Tanaka’s grip, but it was no use; he didn’t really want to escape. Most of him just wanted to bask in the attention he was receiving from somebody for once in his life. So he did. 

Instead of trying to pull away again, Ennoshita brought his hands up to grip at Tanaka’s jersey and angled his head to rest on his shoulder, pausing to give him time to pull away. He tugged at the cloth as though that would somehow help him get a grip of his emotions, it didn’t. 

“Please don’t make me do this right now,” Ennoshita repeated again into the crook of Tanaka’s neck, refusing to look him in the eye in fear of breaking down completely. His voice was barely a whisper and he could even tell how pathetic he sounded, but he didn’t care anymore, it was all he could muster before he started crying again. He was allowing himself thirty seconds to be a mess and then he’ll clean himself up afterwards, only thirty seconds.

Tanaka stood frozen in place, seemingly too shocked by Ennoshita’s sudden show of emotions.

_30, 29, 28…_

“I---umm,” Tanaka said searching for any words of comfort. Instead he tightened his grip on Ennoshita pulling him into a close embrace, while still managing to hold him delicately like he was some sort of fucking flower. Is this how he treated girls? Ennoshita wondered why he didn’t have a girlfriend.

_24, 23, 22…_

“I’m sorry,” He finally said, voice cracking slightly, “I didn’t mean to push you or anything. I just really wanted to help because I don’t like it when your- I mean- when anyone’s sad.”

There it is. He would’ve done it for anyone. Ennoshita was just a number on a long list of _super platonic_ relationships (because he was _super straight_ )Tanaka had. He couldn’t even be mad about it because of course Tanaka would treat everyone like this. The idiot is too nice for his own good. He just didn’t understand how Tanaka could feel absolutely nothing while Ennoshita felt as though his very being was going to burst at the seams. 

_16, 15, 14…_

“S’ok,” Ennoshita mumbled into Tanaka’s shirt, a little delayed as the cogs in his head were starting to turn again, “M’ just tired.”

“It’s alright,” Tanaka said soothingly, his fingers now running up and down his spine, “It was your first official match in a long time so you’re not used to playing.”

 _That’s just it; isn’t it?_ Ennoshita thought bitterly. He’s supposedly the future captain. He should be good enough to be a regular and at least not fuck up when he is put in the game. 

_10, 9, 8…_

“But if I ever find you crying again,” Tanaka continued, “I’ll punch you so hard that you have to tell me!”

Ennoshita snorted in response, nodding his head that was still hiding in Tanaka’s neck. “Heheehe,” Tanaka had the weirdest laugh sometimes, “Stop doing that your hair tickles!”

So obviously Ennoshita continued to do just that, basically nuzzling Tanaka’s neck. _What the hell was he doing? Why the hell was Tanaka letting him?_ They were really encroaching on not super platonic territory. Ennoshita didn’t stop though, he couldn’t really, and continued teasing Tanaka until- 

_3, 2, 1… and his time was up._

With a deep sigh and a bit of longing still in his chest, Ennoshita pulled away abruptly. If he hadn’t, he’d probably stay in Tanaka’s arms forever and not let him go to the next match. He finally managed to look Tanaka in the eye and gave him a wide smile, as he continued to back away until he was at, what he deemed, a platonic distance. Tanaka was still laughing a bit, but when Ennoshita pulled away completely he stopped and looked confused and a little hurt.

“I told you I’m fine,” Ennoshita said readying for his escape, “I’m just a little exhausted from the match like you said.”

“Uh huh,” Tanaka said unconvinced, “I also like to bawl my eyes out when I am tired.”

Ennoshita just chuckled awkwardly in response, “I missed a couple of receives so I was just a bit upset about it no big deal ok?”

“You’re acting weird.”

“I’m always weird.”

“Yeah, but a different weird. A bad weird.”

“A bad weird? Nope, seriously I am fine. It must be your imagination,” Ennoshita said more firmly with a hard pat to Tanaka’s head, as he turned to walk away again. Tanaka let him this time and there was a part of him that wanted Tanaka to pull him back again, but he didn’t so Ennoshita continued to walk away.

“This conversation isn’t over!” Tanaka yelled from behind him with the same determination he tackles volleyball with.

“You keep telling yourself that,” Ennoshita sarcastically responded not even bothering to turn around.

He was determined not to let something like that happen again. Ennoshita promised himself the next time he felt like breaking down he would get as far as way as possible from any other person he knew. No one was ever going to see him break again, especially Tanaka.

Ennoshita always had been a liar, especially to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who didn't fall in love with Ennoshita after that save?
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos and reads for the last chapter. I said I'd update frequently, so I might be doing a chapter every day or every other day until my finals start next week. As always please tell me how I can improve or any plot/character suggestions really.


	3. Tanaka has the Worst Timing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ennoshita and Tanaka find out that walls are hard, emotional and physical.

He broke that promise in a couple hours. In Ennoshita's defense though, he had been really good for those couple of hours. 

He completely avoided Tanaka and most of the team really, watching the game between Aobajōsai and Date Tech with Narita and Kinoshita a few rows away from the rest of the team. Tanaka didn’t even seem to notice him; in fact no one did anymore. It was strange; he could feel himself physically shift into the background. His emotions even mellowed out, maybe it was being in the spotlight that caused him to spiral down so quickly, but Ennoshita had a strange feeling it was something else too. 

Ever since he was put into the match against Wakutani he's felt weird. The dull hum that usually occupied his mind was gone. It was like his mind was fully operating now, not that he could have noticed before. He felt everything so much more intensely, his thoughts pounded against his head constantly; it was like he finally woke up from a drug-induced stupor that he had apparently been in his entire life. Before he felt like a _flat character_ , but now that he noticed how one-dimensional his life had been before, it was hard not to. It was probably just the adrenaline talking, he had to blame it on something scientific or he'd really go out of his mind. He really didn't need to add to his crazy theory.

He tried to put everything in the back of his mind and watched calmly through their match against Aobajōsai too, cheering at all the right parts and everything. He was even mildly happy when they won. Being surrounded by happy teammates, made it easy for him to ignore his constant inner self deprecating monologue that now rang through his brain. 

It was on the bus when it all started again. It was building up all day, but his mind was not as easy to ignore without the constant screaming from his teammates. It was dark and quiet as everyone else was asleep. Ennoshita tried to sleep, even pretended to for a bit but his own thoughts kept attacking him. It was the same thing over and over. He wants to be useful. He needs to be better. He has to try more.

There was a little part of him that knew even then it wouldn't be enough. He told that part to go fuck itself as he determinedly decided he need some more solo practice. It was late; Daichi and coach had already given enough motivational speeches for everyone to be pumped about tomorrow’s finals. No one should be at the school now. Everyone was tired from the two consecutive matches played today, except for Kageyama and Hinata apparently; who he could hear practicing on the other side of the wall. But they were insane. Maybe he was too. Maybe that’s why he was standing here staring at the gym wall that was poorly lit by a dimming street lamp.

Ennoshita needed to practice more. He needed to practice until his hands bled and then some because that's all he could do. So that’s what he did. He pounded to volleyball against the wall, taking all his frustrations out on that stupid ball that seemed to rule his life. He hit it again and again trying to receive the ball as it bounced back. He missed most of them, just as he did in the match earlier today. 

The world disappeared around him as he got lost in his own game of volleyball that he was losing, badly, against a wall. How pathetic could he get? He didn’t notice when the sounds inside the gym got louder than quiet as even Kageyama and Hinata decided they had practiced enough for today. He was so far gone in his little practice session, if one could even call it that. He just kept spiking and receiving until his arms ached as much as his chest did. 

He didn’t even realize he was crying again until his sobbing echoed off the small area, the only sound in the vicinity. That idea within itself made him cry even harder. He hit another serve at the wall, hard. This time as he bent to receive the ball flew past him. He had completely missed that one. He was deteriorating quickly, even Ennoshita could acknowledge that he was tired, but that didn’t stop him from being angry with himself. Being tired was no excuse for being pathetic. 

Ennoshita fell to his knees, gripping at his hair, as he curled into himself and continued to wail. Fuck. Why was he crying again? Probably because deep down he knew; he knew that he couldn’t get himself out of this mediocre hell. He wasn’t the hero; he was destined for normalness not greatness. Being aware of his averageness was worse than any curse.

Frustrated with himself, Ennoshita brought his hand up and punched the wall in front of him with any strength he had left. It was a surprising amount. It was enough for Ennoshita to feel the rough bricks cut into his knuckles. That was probably not one of his best ideas, but he didn’t care as he just pressed his fist further into the wall. 

He sat there panting in exhaustion from all the practice (or all the crying) with his knuckles still pushed firmly against the bricks of the school, counting the blades of grass that scratched at his knees as a distraction. He needed to focus on something insignficant, so he focused on their fragile outline, each one so thin, flimsy, and breakable. He could crush them if he wanted to, tear them to shreds; no one would care or even notice. Ennoshita felt a little bit like the grass.

“Well, shit,” said a voice in the distance. Ennoshita couldn’t make out who it was, but he’d recognize that tone anywhere. 

_Fuck. Not again. Don’t let him see me like this again._

“Ya know,” Tanaka said as he came out of the shadows, “Me and you have two very different definitions of ‘I’m fine’.”

Startled by Tanaka’s sudden appearance, yet again, Ennoshita quickly shot up and started wiping at his tears with the back of his hand, even as they still fell. Apparently though, if previous events hadn’t warned him yet, today was just not Ennoshita’s day and he ended up wiping his face with his bloodied knuckles, spreading blood across his cheeks.

“Wow you’re so manly,” Tanaka chuckled as he made his way over to Ennoshita, digging for something in his pocket, “I’ve never seen someone wipe away their tears with their own blood!”

Ennoshita could barely manage a watery laugh, his lungs heaving slightly from all the crying he was still doing, _in front of Tanaka_. Shit, he had to act cool or at least salvage as much of his dignity as he could in this situation. “You’re so stupid,” he said still crying and partially covering his face with his hand, too embarrassed to face Tanaka directly. _Wow you nailed it; not pathetic at all._

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Tanaka said trying to be nonchalant about the situation, but Ennoshita noticed how his hand shook a bit as he finally pulled a handkerchief from his pocket. 

“You carry around a handkerchief?” Ennoshita asked slightly surprised and then flushed as Tanaka moved to wipe at his face. "Wait you really don't need to. I can do it myself." 

"Yeah I'm sure you can, but I want to do this, so let me do it for you," Tanaka growled stubbornly, waving the hankerchief just out of Ennoshita's reach. He was too tired to actually fight Tanaka so he just relented (that was the only reason. He definitely didn't actually want Tanaka's help at all) and allowed Tanaka to step closer and gently grab his chin so that he could angle his face as he pleased. Tanaka was close enough that Ennoshita could feel his breath tickle his cheek along with the handkerchief. He was breathing rather harshly, so apparently Ennoshita wasn’t the only one who was nervous. 

“And the answer your question, yes I carry around a handkerchief,” Tanaka said, still casually making soft strokes on Ennoshita’s skin with the cloth, “My mama says that all gentlemen carry them around, so obviously I have to too.”

“Gentlemen? You, a gentleman?”

“Yes me,” Tanaka growled, his expression hardening, but his light touches showed that he wasn’t really angry about Ennoshita’s teasing. “I am the most gentlest of men!” he exclaimed, even posing for emphasis. 

Ennoshita just giggled in response with a small smile. Tanaka was always so goofy, one would think he’d be annoyed with it especially in a situation like this, but Ennoshita could be nothing but fond. Looking rather proud of himself, Tanaka finished cleaning off Ennoshita’s face and then turned suddenly serious again. “Now let’s take care of your hand,” he said grabbing at Ennoshita’s bloody fist before he could protest and then inspecting it with care.

He dropped it quickly though and started to walk back to the area where he appeared from. Ennoshita just then noticed that his backpack and another bag were up against the same wall he got into a fight with earlier. Fumbling for a minute, Tanaka produced a small towel from his backpack and handed it to Ennoshita. 

“Here,” He said as he picked up the packet and swung his backpack around his shoulders, “That should do for the walk home. I’ll clean it up when we get there.”

“Wait… What?” Ennoshita was slightly confused and still a little dazed from the face caressing that happened five seconds ago, “Why did you come here in the first place?”

“Because you are a terrible liar. Didn’t I already tell you that?” Tanaka said this as if it explained everything.

“What? What does that have to do with anything?”

Tanaka cleared his throat and in the next second completely changed his mannerism.

“Oh guys I think I left something in the club room just go on without me! Hehehe,” he said in a strange high pitched voice, while clasping his hands behind his back and batting his eyelashes.

Ennoshita just stood there gaping at him. “Was that supposed to be an impression of me?” He asked disbelieving.

Tanaka was back to his usual self, thankfully, when he responded, “Ummm yeah. Duh. Who else would it have been?”

“What?!” Ennoshita exclaimed, “That sounded nothing like me. You used the same voice for your imaginary girlfriend! Why?”

“Maybe you and my imaginary girlfriend are the same person!” Tanka retorted. 

Ennoshita did not see that coming. Was Tanaka implying what he thought he was implying? Ennoshita flushed at the thought and started to splutter, grasping for any sort of rebuttal, when Tanaka’s obnoxious laughter interrupted him.

“Wow you should’ve seen your face!” he said, gasping for breath, “I was kidding dude!”

That just got Ennoshita mad, mostly at himself for enjoying the idea of being Tanaka’s imaginary girl-ahem boy-friend. “How am I supposed to know? You are always saying idiotic things like that,” Ennoshita huffed. 

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry,” Tanaka said pretending to wipe away tears from his stupid giggly cute face, “Anyway back to what I was saying.”

“You’re a terrible li-”

“Yes! I know!”

“Hey don’t interrupt. Now I have to start again,” Tanaka was enjoying this way too much, “So you’re a terrible liar and I am super smart so I realized you were lying and also that you’ve been acting weird today. You’ve been really sad, so I followed you back, but I stopped to pick up something when I figured you were actually headed for the school.”

Tanaka reached into the bag he was carrying as he said this and pulled out – _a pudding cup?_

“You looked sad,” Tanaka said shyly, diverting his gaze away from Ennoshita, “And I um-- You always look happy eating pudding, so I thought it’d cheer you up a bit and yeah.” Tanaka scratched the back of his head obviously feeling awkward as Ennoshita just stared blankly at him.

“Though now it seems like it’s not enough,” he said gesturing at Ennoshita’s hand that was wrapped in a towel.

Ennoshita felt himself fall in love with Tanaka in that moment. He had been teetering on the edge for quite a while now, but Tanaka bringing him pudding pushed him over the edge. _Could he get anymore perfect?_ Ennoshita just watched fondly as the idiot kept rambling on about pudding serving sizes. He soon realized that he had to stop him or Tanaka would go on all night.

“Tanaka,” Ennoshita said softly.

Tanaka froze and responded with a tentative, “Yeah?”

“Thank you, for everything. It is enough, more than enough,” Ennoshita’s voice shook and he really hoped he wouldn’t start crying over a pudding cup. But seriously, he'd be damned if Tanaka holding a pudding cup, shining in the dirty street light, wasn't the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

The thank you did a 180 to Tanaka’s mood though; the spiker lightened up immediately, giving Ennoshita that bright smile that literally caused his heart to stop.

“You’re welcome!” Tanaka said while slapping Ennoshita on his very sore arm, “Now let’s go to your place its closer.”

It was Ennoshita’s turn again to be embarrassed. “My place?” he stuttered, “But my parents aren’t home! It’s inappropriate!”

“Inappropriate?” Tanaka questioned teasingly, raising an eyebrow, “I don’t know what you were thinking but I just wanted to finish that conversation from earlier today, completely innocently and I promise I won’t defile your innocence or anything with inappropriate activities.”

Apparently all promises were meant to be broken today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow look at me updating this regularly (even though i totally already have it written out, so it's not that hard). 
> 
> Y'all are too nice with your comments and kudos; seriously thank you so much for reading and actually enjoying my word vomit. As always critques and suggestions are always welcomed.
> 
> P.S. If y'all want to hit me up on the the [tumbs](http://thepessimistsblog.tumblr.com/) that would be swell. I kinda don't use my blog that often (at all really) but I plan on using it more this year to post writing and art stuff and trash stuff, so just send me a message or something so I can follow you and maybe suggest some cool peeps too?


	4. Conversations in the Dark (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ennoshita and Tanaka finally talk for real. (sort of)

It was exactly 12:43 A.M. Ennoshita was too busy to pay attention to how dark his room was, the bed though was definitely too warm, _his_ feet weren’t the ones that were cold, but Tanaka’s were frozen as they tickled their way up and down his calves. Oh and Ennoshita was certainly not thinking of his stupid theory, instead his mind was still in shock that Tanaka was currently in his house, on his bed, getting really up close and personal with Ennoshita’s neck. 

It most definitely didn’t start out like that. When they arrived to Ennoshita’s house Tanaka had immediately gone in to mother hen mode, something that surprised Ennoshita as usually their roles were reversed. He washed the cuts on Ennoshita’s hand careful of the how sensitive they were in their fresh open state. Tanaka then wrapped each knuckle in small individual band aids. He took his time, massaging each of Ennoshita’s bruised fingers with his thumb delicately before moving on to nurse the next one. 

Ennoshita on the other hand just sat there and watched Tanaka busy himself with his self inflicted wounds. His mind was too busy trying to function properly to really do anything else because _Tanaka was in his house_. Sitting comfortably on his bed with the lights dimmed, put him in such a cozy environment that Ennoshita was suddenly very aware at how achingly tired he was. So he was content to just sit there, gazing sleepily at Tanaka’s cute concentrated face as he finished up with his hand.

“There. You’re good as new,” Tanaka said as he removed the first aid equipment from Ennoshita’s bed and placed it on his desk, “Just let it heal by itself, ok?”

“Mhmm,” was Ennoshita’s weak response. He was still fondly looking at the spot that Tanaka had occupied on his bed as he tended to his hand. Tanaka, to Ennoshita’s delight, was also staring at him with a similar expression. 

“I don’t know how you’re going to play with that tomorrow though,” Tanaka added casually sitting back down next to him.

“I’m not going to play tomorrow,” Ennoshita snapped. He was annoyed that Tanaka would even pretend that he was a starter or even good enough to play with them. 

“Oh?” Tanaka was surprised by his sudden change in tone, but seemed to put two and two together, “Is that what this is all about, you not getting to play?”

“It’s not just that,” Ennoshita groaned in frustration. How was he supposed to explain everything to Tanaka without sounding crazy?

“What you don’t think you’re good enough? You’ve been practicing so much though and you’ve improved a lot!” Tanaka persisted edging even closer to Ennoshita. 

He made it sound so simple, like all of his problems could be solved if he just practiced more, but it wasn’t just that Ennoshita thought he wasn’t good enough. Yet he didn’t know how to explain it. He let out a sigh and flopped back to lie down on his bed, turning over so that he could bury his face in his pillow. Talking to pillows was much easier than talking to Tanaka. 

“I’m Guy #3,” Ennoshita said quietly, looking shyly up at Tanaka from his pillow, who was leaning over him. If Tanaka really wanted to know what was going on in his head he was going to get Ennoshita’s crazy theory and everything. 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Is it some sort of slang I don’t know?” Tanaka was seriously confused now. 

“What it means is,” Ennoshita took a large breath, preparing himself to do a lot of explaining, “that, it’s not that I think I’m not good enough. It’s that I will never be good enough, no matter what. I was designed to be average.”

“You were designed to be average? As in you, Ennoshita, are average?” Tanaka asked, his head tilted to the side slightly. Damn he was cute, but this conversation, unfortunately, had no place for squealing over Tanaka’s cuteness.

“Yes as in me,” Ennoshita said, sitting up and facing Tanaka, exasperated slightly that Tanaka didn’t seem to get it still, “average height, average personality, average looks, average intelligence and average volleyball player. My entire being is built on being average. What’s worse is that I know it and everyone knows it too, but denies it because there’s nothing we can do about it. It’s not something I can choose to be, it’s already been set. Do you get it now?”

Ennoshita was heaving slightly from the effort his rant took, but Tanaka no longer had that stupidly cute confused look on his face. Instead, he was staring at Ennoshita, looking slightly terrified. _Good now he definitely thinks I’m crazy._ Ennoshita couldn’t blame Tanaka though. His mind was a dangerous street to cross and Ennoshita just threw Tanaka into oncoming traffic. 

After a long pause of them staring each other down, Tanaka finally spoke, “Dude that’s like the most depressing outlook on life I’ve ever heard.”

Ennoshita snorted, “Tell me about it.”

“I don’t agree with you though,” Tanaka said defiantly.

“There’s nothing to agree on. Some people are heroes and some people are extras,” Ennoshita said, gesturing to himself, “Guy #3’s”

“Nu-uh” Tanaka disagreed again, shaking his head a crossing, “No way. There’s no way you’re just someone’s back up.”

“Tanaka, I am literally a back up on the volleyball team,” Ennoshita reasoned.

“True, but off the court no, I don’t think so.” Tanaka was so stubborn sometimes.

“What? Why? What could possibly be your reason? I literally don’t stand out at all,” Ennoshita said, mostly exasperated with Tanaka’s persistent responses, but also a little curious as to what Tanaka was going on about. 

“Well first off you’re way too beautiful to just be a background character,” Tanaka said casually, as though that statement wouldn’t make Ennoshita implode on the inside. It totally did.

Ennoshita buried his face in his hands to hide the fact that he had turned extremely red at the comment. Tanaka was especially gifted at making him blush with just a couple of words. Ennoshita’s mind was swirling. _He thought Ennoshita was beautiful?_ No way, he must’ve heard him wrong. Tanaka wasn’t even into guys. _Right?_ He was probably just saying it to be dramatic, like earlier today when he said he was in love with Ennoshita.

“You can’t say things like that,” Ennoshita said into his hands. There was no way he could look at Tanaka.

“Like what?” Tanaka seemed genuinely confused.

“Don’t say things you don’t mean just to make me feel better,” Ennoshita explained, still talking to his hands rather than facing Tanaka.

“But I mean it,” Tanaka insisted.

“What?!”

“I said I mean it,” Tanaka said softly, but his voice sounded much closer than before. He pried away Ennoshita’s hands from his face, carefully placing his bruised hand on his lap and intertwining the fingers of the other with his own. 

“I think you’re really beautiful,” he whispered, face inches away from Ennoshita’s, so close that Ennoshita could make out every little eyelash on Tanaka’s hooded eyelids. 

Ennoshita was so fucked. His brain froze. He forgot how to think, how to talk, how to move, he couldn’t even fucking breathe properly. That’s probably why his heart was working overtime, threatening to beat out of his chest. With every inch that Tanaka moved closer Ennoshita could feel a year of his life be taken away. His breath was on his face, tickling his lips, he was so close then-

Tanaka suddenly pulled back eyes wide as though he just realized what he had been doing.

He started to apologize, but Ennoshita was not letting him get away that easily though. Tanaka had been teasing him with delicate touches all day. Using their hands that were still intertwined, Ennoshita tugged Tanaka towards him again, but used a bit too much force, unbalancing the both of them. He ended up lying with his back against his bed and a very flustered Tanaka on top of him. Their faces were again inches away, but Tanaka couldn’t seem to look him in the eye anymore, his gaze was instead fixed on his lips. 

_It’s now or never._ Ennoshita gripped at Tanaka’s neck, his bruised fingers screaming in protest, and gave one final pull to connect their lips. 

But of course, because Ennoshita was having the worst day possible, he missed and ended up getting very intimate with Tanaka’s left nostril. 

“Oh my gosh,” Ennoshita said pulling back quickly, “I am so sorry. Holy crap, I didn’t mean to do that. I shouldn’t have even tried. You probab—“

He was cut off by a loud snort from Tanaka, who then lent further down to rub their noses together, the softness of the action leaving Ennoshita speechless. “You’re really dumb,” Tanaka mumbled against his lips before finally pressing their lips together in a proper kiss. 

Tanaka always surprised him and the way he kissed was no exception. Ennoshita assumed he would kiss like he did everything else; with everything he had and then some, but the one Tanaka placed on his lips was soft and hesitant, as though Ennoshita would shatter by his touch alone.

It was so sweet and slow, leaving an ache in Ennoshita’s chest, a deep ache, _a need_ , for more. It egged Ennoshita to further deepen the kiss, pulling at Tanaka’s neck hard, trying to get him impossibly closer. Tanaka was apparently in agreement. His lips became more insistent, moving smoothly against Ennoshita’s, while still maintaining the gentleness from the start. Tanaka tightened his grip on their locked hands and pressed them into the mattress, as he responded to Ennoshita’s sudden enthusiasm. His other came up to lay flat above Ennoshita’s head effectively trapping him between Tanaka’s arms, not that he minded in the slightest.

Tanaka placed a few last quick pecks on Ennoshita’s lips before pulling away completely, using his elbows to hover slightly. Ennoshita opened his eyes slowly to look up at Tanaka and his breath was stolen from him yet again. 

Tanaka looked practically angelic from his position above Ennoshita. The moonlight caught him perfectly, causing him to practically glow but it simultaneously darkened the shadows around his sharp features. The light filtered through the eyelashes on his hooded lids, casting harsh shadows on to those cheekbones that Ennoshita wanted to run his lips all over. Tanaka’s own lips were parted slightly, still a bit wet from all the kisses. He was _beautiful_. There was no other way to word it. Tanaka was stunningly, breath-takingly, mind-meltingly beautiful. And the idiot thought Ennoshita was. The dumb ass really needs a mirror.

Ennoshita blames Tanaka’s stupid face for re-melting his brain and causing him to blurt out the first thing that came to mind, “You’re into dudes?”

Tanaka huffed out a chuckle, letting his head drop between his shoulder blades so he could run his nose along Ennoshita’s neck, letting his free hand wander under Ennoshita's shirt. “Isn’t that obvious? Since, ya know, I kissed you, _dude._ ”

“But you’re always after Shimizu-san and you’re always talking about getting a girlfriend?” Ennoshita probably sounded a little crazed, getting increasingly flustered as Tanaka continued his explorations. His fingers were cold and persistent against Ennoshita's chest as they discovered every inch of his skin. Tanaka's lips were no different.

“Yeah that’s because she’s pretty and a lot of girls are pretty,” Tanaka said casually, his breath tickling Ennoshita’s sensitive skin, “I’m into pretty people.” He nuzzled at Ennoshita’s jaw line then continued, “And you happen to,” Tanaka placed a kiss on his neck, “be,” kiss , “ver—,” kiss, “—ry,” kiss, “pretty.” 

Tanaka whispered the last word against Ennoshita’s collarbone before sucking it, gently pulling at the skin with his teeth. His words caused Ennoshita’s face to heat up slightly, but his actions caused a goddamn inferno to ignite in the pit of his stomach. Ennoshita couldn’t handle the softness anymore; he needed more of Tanaka. 

Untangling their fingers, Ennoshita used both hands to grab at Tanaka’s face and pulled him into a heated kiss. 

He didn’t miss this time. Their lips crashed together as they desperately clung to each other, needing to be as close as possible. The kiss was sloppy, messy, and honestly a little gross, but it was still good enough to wash away most of his thoughts. 

It was a distraction. And oh god did Ennoshita need a distraction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow they kissed. I totally won't (will) make it even more angsty after this. 
> 
> This chapter and the next are really just one scene honestly, but I split it up purely for aesthetic reasons, so if it seems kind of cut off that was on purpose.
> 
> This is also going to be the last daily update unfortunately as I've got finals this week and next. Also, the second part to this isn't properly finished and I'm lazy so yeah I probably won't update for a while.
> 
> Anyway thank y'all for reading this crap still. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, so its nice to see some support for this story. As always any comment or suggestion is welcomed, even if you didn't like it. Have a lovely day people!


	5. Conversations in the Dark (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ennoshita wants a distraction and Tanaka can't ever say no to a pretty face.

Ennoshita’s head was spinning, he was losing air, but his brain had stopped functioning as soon as their lips touched, so it didn’t really matter. His hands clawed at Tanaka’s clothes, trying to feel the landscape of muscles and smooth skin beneath it. He needed to touch it, to feel it, to taste it, but the stupid piece of cloth was in his way. Ennoshita ran his hands up and down his back, but Tanaka didn’t get the message until Ennoshita slipped his hands underneath his shirt, finally getting to touch the heated skin, finally getting closer to what he wanted. He let Ennoshita roam for a minute before pulling away from the kiss, panting. Tanaka looked a little hesitant as Ennoshita played with the edge of his shirt, slowly pushing it up to reveal more of his stomach. 

It was almost comical in the way that Tanaka shyly slid his shirt over his head, dropping it to the side. He always seemed so eager to rip his shirt off in practice, but now his movements were slow and hesitant. The action had a different affect on Ennoshita too. Usually he would be the first to yell at Tanaka to put his shirt back on, now he was eagerly licked his lips in anticipation as the tanned skin was revealed to him. 

He was entranced by the new reveal. Seeing Tanaka shirtless, above him glowing in the moonlight, was completely different than seeing him prancing around half-naked in the clubroom. Tanaka’s form was much more glorious up close, where Ennoshita could see all the minute imperfections, where he could appreciate every dip and curve, where he was allowed to just reach out and touch him. He took advantage of his new found freedom and traced his fingers up from the edges of Tanaka’s hipbones to the dips in his collarbones, making Tanaka blush with every move, his eyes following the fingers going up his chest. Ennoshita just stared at him blankly through hooded lids, his mind completely focused on memorizing every inch of Tanaka’s skin. Ennoshita was so busy mapping Tanaka with his fingers that he didn’t notice Tanaka was pulling at his own shirt.

Tanaka leaned down, lips ghosting over Ennoshita’s ear, as he gave his shirt another tug. “Yours too, Chika.” 

Ennoshita melted at the pet name, lying limply as he allowed Tanaka to pull his shirt off. He could feel his face heat up as Tanaka just sat there, eyes darting up and down, soaking in Ennoshita’s body. “It’s not polite to stare,” Ennoshita mumbled, refusing to look Tanaka in the eye. 

Tanaka snorted, “Hypocrite,” and then pulled Ennoshita into another heated kiss this time letting his own hands explore Ennoshita’s chest and back. 

His hands just felt so _good_. Everything about Tanaka felt so good. Ennoshita wanted to drown himself in the boy and never surface. But then he felt it again. Panic, guilt, and sadness poured into him again, swirling around in an endless pit of self-hatred. 

What was he thinking? He practically threw himself at Tanaka. Tanaka couldn’t actually want him, not really. Maybe he thought he was pretty, but once he found out more about him there’s no way he could think of Ennoshita as beautiful. 

_Goddammit_. Why couldn’t he just stay happy for once? He won the match and got the boy, according to the young adult fiction he’s read all his problems are supposed to go away. This is where his story ends; he’s supposed to be fixed now, so why did he feel worse than before? But his mind wouldn’t stop reeling and the rest of him wouldn’t stop sinking.

His sadness was greedy, devouring whatever feelings Tanaka’s initial kiss had left and all that was left for Ennoshita was a shell of frustration. Instead of backing away though Ennoshita turned desperate and clung further onto Tanaka. He needed more of the boy; he needed him to fill the void that Ennoshita couldn’t do on his own, or at least distract him. Distract Ennoshita from everything, everyone, including- _especially_ \- himself. Maybe his sadness learned from him. Ennoshita was even greedier. 

He took advantage of Tanaka, beautiful, bright, Tanaka, who just wanted to help a friend. But if he was willing, Ennoshita was using. This will just teach him that Ennoshita is not as great as Tanaka seems to think. 

So he clung to him, refusing to let go. His hands going everywhere, pulling at Tanaka’s heated skin, threatening to rip it off. It wasn’t enough though. He needed more, more of Tanaka to lose himself in. So he started to fumble with the edges of Tanaka’s flimsy shorts, digging his fingers into the sharp hipbones they laid across. But then Tanaka was pulling away. 

_No_. Ennoshita chased after his lips, not noticing how he was mumbling something repeatedly against them. Tanaka was saying something too, but he couldn’t listen. He need him to stay, so that Ennoshita’s mind didn’t swallow him whole. So he desperately followed.

“Chikara. Wait Chikara,” he said a little bit louder so Ennoshita could actually hear him this time, but he didn’t listen anyway, still pathetically trying to distract himself. He didn’t want to stop and let his sadness weigh in completely, so he whined a small protest against Tanaka’s lips and continued to press harder, his hands becoming more insistent on the edge of Tanaka’s pants. 

“Chikara wait.” His name sounded so much sweeter on Tanaka’s lips. He had finally pulled away from Ennoshita, grabbing his hands lightly as he continued, “You’re crying again. We should stop.”

“What?” Ennoshita pulled his hands away and brought them up to trace the tear tracks running down his face. Fuck, he was really making a habit of crying in front of Tanaka. He stared at Tanaka, wide eyed, as though the boy hovering above him would have the answer to his problems, but Tanaka just looked back just as desperately, making Ennoshita cry even harder. 

“Oh Chikara,” Tanaka said his name again with the same sweetness. Ennoshita wanted to hear him say it over and over. He sat up, back against the wall, pulling Ennoshita with him so that he sat in Tanaka’s lap. “Am I that bad of a kisser?”

Ennoshita tried to laugh but all that came out was a hiccup and some more pathetic whimpers. Tanaka just let him cry, rubbing comforting circles with his thumb on Ennoshita’s hip, until his sobs quieted down a bit. It made him feel worse though. Why was Tanaka comforting him? All Ennoshita was doing was using him as an emotional crutch. There was no reason for him to be treated so delicately. 

“I probably shouldn’t have done any of that,” Tanaka said finally.

Ennoshita could feel part of his heart crumble off. He really couldn’t take anymore hits. His throat was closing up and his eyes threatened to water again, but damn it he had already cried three times today and he wasn’t going to cry over some guy. No matter how pretty he was. Deep down though, he expected it. Tanaka regretted what they did. He probably found Ennoshita’s desperateness disgusting. Even he was disgusted by it. 

“If you didn’t want to kiss me why did you? You should’ve stopped me then.” Ennoshita’s voice shook slightly as he spoke, glaring at the bed sheets, while trying to slip out of the arms gripping at him, but Tanaka held on tight. 

Tanaka’s eyes widened at his statement and he began flailing his arms, flustered. It would have been amusing if Ennoshita hadn’t felt like Tanaka twisted a knife in his gut with his rejection. 

“No, its not that,” Tanaka said, rubbing at the back of his neck in a manner that was extremely endearing, “I obviously think you’re attractive so I don’t mind kissing you or anything, but I still feel weird about it because you’re so sad right now. It feels like I’m taking advantage of your emotions.”

“No,” Ennoshita said firmly, “I knew what I was doing. I took just as much advantage of you.” Tanaka looked like he was about to protest, so Ennoshita steamrolled on. “I need a distraction,” he pulled Tanaka closer, whispering desperately in his ear, “I need you to distract me.”

Tanaka looked down as he responded, voice shaking. “A distraction?”

“Yes.”

Tanaka suddenly looked back up, gazing so fiercely into Ennoshita’s eyes that it actually startled him. It was his _I’m-going-to-spike-this-so-fucking-hard look_. “Fine. I’ll be the best fucking distraction ever,” He growled, pinning Ennoshita to his sheets.

He devoured Ennoshita, leaving nothing left for his sadness. He indulged him until all his mind was focused on was nothing, but the boy leaving hot, desperate kisses on his skin.

Tanaka. Tanaka. _Tanaka_.

  


* * *

  


“Was that enough for you?”

“Yes.” _No._

But nothing will ever be.

“Good, I’m glad I could help you, _Ennoshita_ ,” Tanaka responded as he pulled a sheet over him. His name sounded so sour from his lips.

 _Fuck._ Ennoshita was really terrible. Tanaka had just wanted to help him and he just used him instead. “You can stay.”

Tanaka grunted a response and also slipped under the covers, but kept himself to other side of the bed. _Fuck._ Ennoshita was really messed up.

He should say something. Something to ease the coldness he felt exuding from Tanaka, but he was selfish. He just curled up on himself instead, wishing that he could fill up the gap between his and Tanaka’s bodies. 

But he couldn’t. So he just let his sadness do it for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! My finals didn't kill me. (though inorganic took a chunk of my soul!) I'm back and I brought angst. I meant to upload this right after my last final, but I literally fell asleep at my desk. So yeah, this story is kinda turning out differently than I intended, so it ill probably be longer than what I planned for, but also updates won't be as frequent.
> 
> Thank you for all the comments and kudos from the last update. It really helps knowing some people are actually interested in this. And As always all comments are welcomed even if you hate it and hate me. Have a nice day people! :D


	6. Kinoshita and Narita are Gossip Queens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They are the worst best friends ever and Ennoshita is never telling them anything.

“Dude, why the fuck is Tanaka limping?”

It was early in the morning and everyone was stumbling on to the bus, too tired to notice anyone around them. Except for Kinoshita apparently, who noticed that the usually hyper spiker was subdued and walking weirdly.

Heat rose to Ennoshita’s face rapidly as he replayed last night’s events in his mind. He quickly tried to hide his blush by busying himself with his cell phone, but Kinoshita was quicker and caught site of his red face.

He raised an eyebrow teasingly at Ennoshita which caused him to blush harder. Narita noticed the exchange and then proceeded to grab both of them by the collar and whispered, “Back of the bus conference now.”

Ennoshita just sighed and resigned himself to his poor fate, following the other two to the back of the bus, where they do their most important gossiping. 

“So you fucked Tanaka last night?” Narita and Kinoshita looked at him eagerly as soon as they sat down. You would think that they were talking about their own sex lives with the enthusiasm they showed. 

“No I didn’t fuck him,” Ennoshita snapped, “And could you not yell things like that. He could hear you.” He looked around for Tanaka and found him sleeping, sprawled across Noya, near the front of the bus. At least he wasn’t within hearing distance. 

“You liar,” Narita whispered, leaning in closer. _Wow now he was cautious of who heard._

“Yeah,” Kinoshita added, “Why else would he be limping? Was he good? Did he at least indulge you in your praise kink?”

“He was limping because- Wait. My praise what?”

“Your praise kink,” Kinoshita repeated casually as though they were discussing the weather. Ennoshita just blinked blankly at him waiting for Kinoshita to break and start laughing, but he didn’t. He then turned to Narita to make a comment about what a weirdo Kinoshita was, but he was just nodding solemnly along with Kinoshita’s words.

“What the fuck is wrong with you people?”

“What,” Narita said defensively, “Kinoshita is really good at picking out people’s kinks and I happen to agree with him on this one. Hey, show him what I’m talking about.”

Kinoshita sat up straight and cleared his throat before turning his focus to the front of the bus, pointing at his first victim. “Suga-san has a daddy kink.”

“What?! How can you tell?”

“Dude, all of his mannerisms just scream ‘I’ll be a good boy for you’.” Kinoshita said seriously, as though he was giving Ennoshita a history lesson.

“And I think we all know who daddy is,” Narita added, giving a sly glance towards their captain.

“ _Daichi?_ ”

“Yeah, duh. Are you really that oblivious?” Kinoshita looked at him like he was the crazy one, before pointing to Hinata. “Anyway Hinata and Kageyama definitely have--”

Ennoshita slapped his hand over Kinoshita’s mouth before he could finish, what Ennoshita was sure, a disturbing statement about the innocent first years dozing off in front of them.

“OKAY! I get your point. Please just stop,” Ennoshita begged. Kinoshita responded by licking the palm that was still covering his mouth. “Ugh. Dude that’s so gross,” Ennoshita said as he wiped his palm on the seat in front of him.

“You deserved it for being so closed minded.” Kinoshita said stubbornly, turning away from Ennoshita, with a pout on his lips.

Narita patted Kinoshita’s back sympathetically. “Some people are just too uneducated to understand your gift.”

Ennoshita just sighed in response, rubbing his face with his hands. He had to put up with so much bullshit. At least they seemed to have forgotten about him and Tanaka.

“So was Tanaka cool with your praise kink?”

_Dammit._

Ennoshita slowly dragged his hands away from his face, giving his two “friends” a weary look. “I already told you we didn’t have sex.”

 _He just fingered me until I came. Hard. Twice._ He added internally. Flashes of cool fingers and sweet words tracing his skin emerged in his mind at the thought. He immediately began to heat up again as Tanaka’s whispered words replayed in his mind. Maybe he did have a praise kink. Not that he would ever confirm that with Kinoshita and Narita. They would have way too much fun with it.

“Uh-huh. That’s why you’re blushing again.” 

_Double dammit._

“And Tanaka was also limping. Don’t forget that.”

_Triple dammit._

His friends were like fucking vultures and Ennoshita was too scattered brained to give any more of an argument so he just went with the truth. “Tanaka was limping because he fell out of my bedroom window.”

Ennoshita regretted telling the truth immediately as wide grins spread across their faces. Fuck that didn’t sound good. It sounded even worse than he intended for it to be. Before either of them could say, what was sure to be hilariously witty remarks, Ennoshita quickly added, “I won’t tell you what happened if you make a single sarcastic response in the next five minutes.”

Their mouths shut so quickly he swore he heard a bone crack. So, Ennoshita had no choice but to tell them the events of last night or at least most of them. He couldn’t possible divulge just how vulnerable he had been in front of Tanaka the previous night. They would think he was such a freak or worse; they’d pity him. Ennoshita could already form their sympathetic glances. _No._ He couldn’t tell them what was actually wrong. 

Instead he just made up that he fell down the stairs and landed on his hand, which is why it was so beat up. And that Tanaka found him lying there and insisted that he patch him back up at his place and one thing led to another. He also cut out most of the crying bits and said that Tanaka just comforted him about being scared of his looming captain position, nothing deeper than shallow high-school problems. 

Kinoshita and Narita seemed satisfied with it, nodding along with most of the story and snickering when it got a little more than PG-13. In their defense Ennoshita had a lot of practice lying, so he was rather convincing when he made up stories. 

“Yeah and that’s kind of it,” Ennoshita finished awkwardly, “We didn’t exactly end it on good terms though. I kinda kicked him out once my parents came home and well, we didn’t really talk much before we went to sleep.”

Kinoshita and Narita just stared at him in silence until Kinoshita broke it.

“Dude, I didn’t even know Tanaka was into guys! I was joking about the whole fucking thing. I didn’t think something actually happened! Since when has he liked dudes?”

“Apparently he’s into pretty people,” Ennoshita confirmed, “All types of pretty people.”

“Oh! Pretty people huh?” Kinoshita reached out to pat Ennoshita’s shoulder, “So he’s not into you? Bummer.”

“Ha ha ha.” Ennoshita stuck him with his best death glare. “I told you what happened last night. I’d say he’s pretty into me or at least physically.”

“I mean yeah,” Narita said reasonably, “He literally went into you.”

Apparently that was clever enough to earn him a high five. 

“I hate both of you,” Ennoshita sighed dramatically, throwing his head back against the seat, “I’m never telling you guys anything ever again.”

“No no no no! We’re sorry,” Narita said, not looking sorry what so ever, “Right Kinoshita?”

He nodded in response with that stupid smug grin plastered on his face still. Ennoshita just glared back at them. 

“Seriously!” Kinoshita added defensively, “Let’s talk about what happened like the mature adults we are. No more sex jokes I promise. Now stop looking at me like that and tell me why you guys ended on bad terms. Were you that bad at getting him off?”

Ennoshita remained silent and simply glared harder at him for the last comment.

“Sorry that just slipped out. It won’t happen again. Now tell us why he’s mad. What did you do?”

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he began again. “Well, it wasn’t really something I did. It was something I said.” He opened his eyes and was met with his friends’ eager expressions, egging him to go on. “I kind of, sort of, told him he was a distraction for me and that what we were doing was just a distraction. I think he took it a lot worse than I expected him to.”

“Oh my gosh Ennoshita! You’re so dumb! Why the fuck would you say that?”

This time Narita glared at Kinoshita for him. 

“What I think Kinoshita meant to say was why did you think it was a good idea to say that?” Narita explained calmly.

“Ugh” Ennoshita groaned, “I don’t know. I was desperate and I thought that was the only way he’d stay. Anyway I thought he kinda got that I was into him; like a lot.”

“Did you tell him that?” Narita asked.

“No”

“Then he probably didn’t realize it,” Narita reasoned, “I mean look at him. The boy needs things to literally be spelled out for him.”

As if on cue Tanaka snored loudly.

“Why are you into him again?”

“Shut up. Stop diverting from the topic,” Narita said with a light slap to Kinoshita’s forehead, “Continue.”

“Anyway, I basically threw myself at him,” Ennoshita argued, “I thought that was spelling it out.”

“But you also said it was all a distraction for you,” Kinoshita rebutted, “He probably thought you were just desperate.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t mean it like that.”

“We know that,” Narita said sympathetically, “but it might not be as obvious to him because he doesn’t know just how obsessed you are with him.”

“I’m not _obsessed._ ”

“You stared at him for the entire match yesterday. That’s like an entire two hours. I think you’re a little obsessed.”

Ennoshita flushed a brilliant red, realizing that his quick glances were not as sneaky as he thought they were. 

“But that’s not the point. The point is that you are an idiot,” Narita said as he placed the most condescending pat on Ennoshita’s shoulder, “Why would you just throw an opportunity with Tanaka out the door like that?”

He just sighed, not knowing how to actually respond. Why did he do that? He couldn’t exactly tell them that he has a self destructive nature due to his inability to cope or see past his own flaws. Or how he couldn’t let Tanaka love him because he wasn’t enough for someone so beautiful and bright. That the reason he pushed him away is because Tanaka deserves a main protagonist, not a background character, not a Guy #3, a coward afraid of his own feelings. He couldn’t say all of that. He couldn’t let himself be stupidly vulnerable like he had been with Tanaka last night. 

So Ennoshita straightened up and did what he did best. He lied his fucking ass off. 

“I thought he was in it just for the physical aspect. I mean we didn’t really talk about our feelings. He just told me I was pretty so it seemed like he was in it for my looks.” _Blank slate. You need to be a blank slate_ , Ennoshita thought as he recited the lines as though he was reading off of a cue card.

Narita looked skeptical still. “But you said he was upset when you implied he was just a distraction. Why would he care if it was all just physical anyway?”

“Because we are still friends.” Ennoshita was really just making this up as he went along. “He probably didn’t like the idea of me emotionally manipulating him like that. I mean he didn’t really want to continue and then I just made myself seem really desperate for him to stay. I basically emotionally blackmailed him from his perspective, so he could be reasonably upset about it.”

Ennoshita impressed himself with the bull shit he was spouting, so much that he almost convinced himself of it. Kinoshita and Narita seemed mostly pleased with the answer too, as their questioning stares soften slightly.

But of course they never leave the conversation without their own input and of course Kinoshita had to bring up exactly what Ennoshita wanted to avoid. “Dude what if he actually likes you? And that’s why he’s so upset about everything.”

“No he doesn’t.” _He can’t._

“How do you—”

“He doesn’t,” Ennoshita said again, rather harshly this time, “So drop it.”

His friends stared at him wide eyed, surprised by his sudden outburst. 

“Ok,” Narita said tentatively, “But you still like him. Maybe you should tell him anyway, so that he gets that you weren’t just using him.”

“No.” Ennoshita quickly disagreed. The simple thought of actually divulging his innermost feelings, _again_ , to Tanaka sent his pulse racing. Narita didn’t get it. Confessions only work with heroes not Ennoshitas. “It’ll make things messy and he’ll probably try to pity date me and even I am not that pathetic. I’ll just have to get the fuck over it.”

They both were still gazing at him warily. “Besides I’m way too emotionally detached to actually do that whole love confession thing. What would I do write him a letter.” He tried to joke ease the tension a bit from when he snapped, but it just turned out stale. 

But Kinoshita and Narita were too nice to him, so they played and laughed along with him, the seriousness of the situation leaving as quickly as it arrived. And for the rest of the trip the conversation stayed in the shallow zone, never venturing into deeper territory, especially not Tanaka territory. But in the deep chasms of his mind, it was all still brewing, growing larger and larger.

Ennoshita decided that if he got over his crush it would at least solve his Tanaka problems. That left only his crushing existential problems, which he already realized he might have to deal with that the rest of his life. 

He could get over Tanaka. He did have a life before him so it had to be possible. Ennoshita looked over to the source of many of his woes and— _Oh fuck_. Tanaka managed to make drooling all over himself cute. 

Maybe his “crush” was a slightly bigger problem than he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all liked this update. I kinda wanted to explain how both Tanaka and Ennoshita were feeling because I thought the last chapter may have been confusing or something. I also wanted it to be a bit of a break from all the angst, but I kinda don't know how I feel about it honestly, so please let me know what you think in the comments.
> 
> Thanks for all the comments and kudos from the last chapter. They all help motivate me to actually write shit so all of them are appreciated. 
> 
> Also thanks for whoever liked that dumb sketch I did of Ennoshita that I posted on tumblr! I didn't expect anyone to see it let alone actually like it. I think I might do some more art stuff with this fic and future fics so keep up with me on tumblr at thepessimistsblog.tumblr.com. You are also welcomed to come scream at me about ennotana or haikyuu!! in general.
> 
> As always any comments are appreciated even if you hate me and my fic! Have a lovely day where ever you are! :)
> 
> P.S. I made the rating mature because this fic took a direction I thought it wouldn't go in. I still don't know if I'm going to leave it in or not, but I thought it'd be better safe than sorry.


	7. Shit Happens (sort of)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tanaka and Ennoshita are so bad at talking.

“I still think you should talk to him,” Narita said hesitantly as they got off the bus. He looked at Ennoshita as if he was a bomb about to go off at the slightest upset, which given his recent mood swings, was quite accurate. 

Fortunately for Narita, Ennoshita still felt a bit guilty for exploding at his friends earlier, so there was just a hint of coolness in his voice as he responded. “I don’t even know what I would say to him.”

“Maybe you don’t have to solve everything right away. You don’t even have to do it today. It’s just—,” he paused and licked his lips before beginning again, “he keeps looking at you like a lost puppy and it’s making me uncomfortable. I don’t know how he’s going to play properly when it seems like he can’t take his eyes off of you.”

Oh yeah. _The fucking match._ Ennoshita almost forgot that was the reason they were on the bus at that ungodly hour and not so that he could divulge his Tanaka problems to his friends. It was easy to forget when he wasn’t a starter. It was easy to forget that Tanaka actually was a starter and _oh shit_. Ennoshita made Tanaka stay up with him for so long last night just so he could be satisfied. He had been so caught up in himself he forgot Tanaka actually mattered to the team. He was so stupid and selfish. How could Tanaka stand him, let alone like him?

“Trust me, ok?”

Narita then wandered off to leave Ennoshita to his thoughts as though he didn’t spend enough time over-thinking every little aspect of his life. Guilt flooded to him as they walked towards the gym, trying to keep the toast, he had hastily shoved down, in his stomach. 

Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder, shaking him out of his head. 

“You doin’ ok?” asked a warm voice. Ennoshita looked up from his feet and was met with eyes that matched the warmness of the voice. Thank god it was Suga. His presences alone relieved some of the tension between Ennoshita’s shoulders.

“Yeah just nervous about the match,” Ennoshita quickly lied, “Never been to finals before.”

Suga just hummed thoughtfully in response. “Nothing else?” He questioned after a gap of silence, eyes flickering to a certain spiker and back to Ennoshita.

Fuck Suga-san’s sixth sense of knowing fucking everything. He hadn’t even looked at Tanaka this morning. He had carefully planned to avoid him all day, yet Sugawara still seemed to know something happened.

“You haven’t looked at him all morning,” Suga said knowingly, “Usually I catch you glancing at him every five seconds.” There was a small twinkle in his eyes that could lift even Ennoshita out of his sour mood. 

He blushed at Suga’s accusation. Was his crush that obvious? Everyone seemed to know besides Tanaka. Thankfully he was still an oblivious idiot. A cute idiot, but an idiot nonetheless. 

“Nothing happened,” Ennoshita mumbled even though he knew lying to Suga was useless. 

Suga squeezed his shoulder comfortingly and scrunched up his eyebrows as though he was contemplating how to correctly respond when Ennoshita was giving him absolutely nothing to work with. If even Suga was having a hard time with him, Ennoshita had to be fucked up. When he finally spoke it was in his softest voice as if he knew Ennoshita was about the break inside. “Ya know, sometimes we stay up in our heads for so long we forget other people have minds and experiences of their own.” He paused then quickly added, “You’re not alone in this.”

“I know,” Ennoshita agreed, “I talked to Kinoshita and Narita about some things.”

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Suga said, “It’s not just your problem. The pain you’re feeling, it isn’t just yours. Just think about it all from a different perspective, ok?”

“Ok, sure.” Ennoshita didn’t even know what he was agreeing to.

“Good,” Suga said giving him a bright smile. He turned to walk away, but then added, “You know people might just surprise you if you give them a chance. Trust me, I know.”

And with that and one last squeeze to his shoulder he drifted away to talk to Daichi. _Ugh_ , Suga and his fucking cryptic way of talking always left him slightly confused. But for some reason the words still comforted him. It was like the quicker part of his mind understood what Suga meant and it was just waiting for the dumb conscious part of him to catch up. 

He looked over at Tanaka talking animatedly with Noya, who was jumping around as though it wasn’t 7 A.M. The morning light soften the boy’s face. Pale light cut through the usual harshness of his features, leaving fuzzy shadows and delicate highlights in its wake. The heat and his own laughter had colored his cheeks a lovely red, which just added to the perfectly cozy image morning Tanaka made. Instead of the dark powerful image last night Tanaka held, morning Tanaka was the opposite. He seemed more approachable in some ways, but even more out of reach in most. He was still as bright as he was last night, but without the cover of darkness, Tanaka seemed pure and untouchable. Ennoshita knew he would be a bit like a small sad cloud on a sunny day if he confronted Tanaka now. He’d have to wait until later. He’d wait until the light stopped making Tanaka look like a fucking angel, when he could actually draw a complete breath without being dazzled by just looking at the spiker let alone actually speaking to him.

Ennoshita cowardly used these reasons as actually excuses not to talk to him yet, but in reality he still felt weirdly vulnerable around Tanaka. Every time he spoke to him he felt like all the ocean’s worth of emotions he’d built up inside him would come spilling out and Tanaka wouldn’t care enough to put up with the tidal wave he created. 

Ennoshita stared at the back of Tanaka’s head, hoping that he could get him to turn around by pure will power, so that he’d have an excuse to start a conversation. But he wasn’t a main character. This wasn’t a movie. Their eyes didn’t meet. They couldn’t know everything going on in each other’s minds with a single glance. There was no dramatic stare down that ended in a warm embrace and hurried apologies that fixed everything. Instead Ennoshita was left staring at the fuzzy patch of hairs that were growing at the base of Tanaka’s neck, as if they held the answers to the universe.

Unfortuantely, they didn’t.

  


* * *

  


Ennoshita was still staring when they were pacing right outside the gym, waiting for their time to start warming up. He was waiting, not only for the match, but for an inch of bravery to course through him. He was waiting for that minute of insanity that would get him to grab Tanaka and yell his feelings into his face. He was waiting, not only himself, but for Tanaka to pluck up the courage to just fucking look at him. Ennoshita was willing to do the rest of the work. All Tanaka had to do was look up. 

When he finally did Ennoshita was not prepared. 

He wasn’t expecting anything magical, no eyes filled with hope and love or arms spread wide already ready for Ennoshita to jump into; nothing like that. He’d expected neutrality at best and no eye contact at worst.

He wasn’t expecting Tanaka to look at him like that though, like he was fucking terrified of him, like Ennoshita was about to rip his heart out and smash it on the ground, like Ennoshita already had ripped his heart out and smashed it on the ground.

_Well shit._

Ennoshita wasn’t prepared for this. He could never predict Tanaka. 

He stood there gaping at him from across the hallway, his mouth opening and closing as though it forgot how to form words. His mind was the same mess. What was he supposed to say? Who was he staring at? Why was he looking at him like that?

Tanaka Ryuunosuke. That is who he’s supposed to speak to. Tanaka Ryuunosuke, who was currently look like Ennoshita had punched him in the gut. Did he? _No_. He just used him for sex that’s all. Tanaka Ryuunosuke, who usually had a smile like drop of sunshine, but now—because of Ennoshita—

At first thick layers of guilt poured into him. How could it not when Tanaka was looking at him like that? Then the anger came out. Why was Tanaka acting like that? Like he broke his heart? Last night was a mistake, yes, but Tanaka didn’t turn him away. He didn’t stop Ennoshita, didn’t tell him it was wrong. He indulged Ennoshita completely, so where was all this regret and hurt stemming from? He was acting like he was in lo— _No_. 

But then Tanaka broke the contact with a flinch as Daichi clapped his hands together and told them it was time to go. Ennoshita snapped when Daichi clapped a second time, when Tanaka tried to hurry along with everyone else, like nothing was fucking happening, like he wasn’t tearing Ennoshita apart with one look. 

“Tanaka, wait!”

Eleven pairs of eyes were looking at him, surprised. _Oh fuck._ Maybe this wasn’t the best time or the right place or something Ennoshita would ever do, but Tanaka was starting to make him do stupid things.

Everyone was staring besides Tanaka, who still had his back turned to him. His confidence faltered a bit when he realized Tanaka still didn’t want to look at him. It was too late for Ennoshita to turn back though. They were all expecting some sort of show, so the least he could do was play the part. 

So he did his best. He poured every amount of his desperateness into words that he knew would have to get his attention. “Ryuu, please?”

It was more of a whimper and by god Ennoshita had never been more embarrassed in his life, but it was out there now hanging between them as the rest of the team stared in awe. It did what he wanted it to do, though. Tanaka finally looked back at him, but didn’t say anything to break the tension around them. 

Daichi did that though. He cleared his throat and started in his captain voice. “We’ve got a match maybe this isn’t the best—”

He stopped though when Suga reached out and tugged him closer to whisper something in his ear. Daichi shot him a look. When Suga didn’t budge he muttered a “if you’re sure” and addressed the team once more. He looked over at Ennoshita. He held his breath waiting for Daichi’s wrath (which was not pretty) but instead he gave him an understanding look and said, “You’ve got five minutes.”

Ennoshita relaxed a bit, but then quickly remembered what he had five minutes for. 

“The rest of you get in the gym or you are all doing push-ups until you faint when we get back tonight.”

The team cleared out quickly after that, leaving behind the awkwardness in a wave of mindless chatter. 

“So, what did you want to tell me?”

Tanaka’s voice startled him. What did he want to say? He was looking at Ennoshita expectantly. Ennoshita thought that maybe when they were alone he’d be able to say something, anything, but the words got stuck between his heart and his lungs, as though they were latching on to his individual ribs. 

But because Tanaka was bright and beautiful and everything good, he started instead. He stepped closer to Ennoshita, closing the distance between them and spoke softly, “I’m sorry about last night.”

_Wait, what?_

That was supposed to be Ennoshita’s line. Tanaka’s apology gave him some fire though. He retaliated quickly. “I’m the one who should be sorry,” Ennoshita said, wringing his hands together nervously, looking at the ground, “I manipulated you into doing things friends definitely shouldn’t have to do. I’ll never do it again.”

“Oh” Tanaka sounded bitter. He must have been really mad at Ennoshita. “Of course it will never happen again.”

It was the same coldness he exuded last night. Ennoshita didn’t get it. He apologized. It’s done. It’s over. But nothing was fixed that simply. 

Ennoshita looked up and was met with a strained smile that didn’t quite meet Tanaka’s eyes. 

“We’ve got a match,” He said still smiling, “Let’s just focus on that ok? No over-thinking.”

He flicked Ennoshita’s forehead gently and squeezed at his hip bone.

He’s faking it. Tanaka is faking it. Why? Why are they doing this?

Ennoshita shot him a smile just as hard, just as plastic. Tanaka was comforting him so the least he could do was try. An idea ran through his head. Tanaka always wanted a girlfriend to kiss him on the cheek for good luck before a match, but here he was with Ennoshita.

He blamed the crazy part of him that seemed to show up whenever Tanaka was around on what he did next. He just wanted to see that fake smile off of Tanaka’s face and replace it with something real. 

Ennoshita tilted his head up slightly and leaned in, placing a long, slow, sweet kiss on the apple of Tanaka’s cheek. When he pulled back Tanaka no longer had that smile on his face. He seemed surprised at first, and Ennoshita was grateful to see something genuine. It quickly changed though. His expression hardened. He pulled back from Ennoshita. 

“You don’t need to force yourself,” Tanaka said not looking at Ennoshita.

“I wasn’t. It was a thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me.”

“It was a kiss for good luck, then,” Ennoshita said as he forced an even bigger smile. 

Tanaka gazed at him tentatively. “I think you gave me enough of those last night,” he tried to joke, laughing harshly. There was a bit too much realness in his statement and it swallowed up whatever pathetic attempts Ennoshita made to lighten up the situation. 

“I won’t need it anyway right? I’m the future ace!” Tanaka said going back into his usual exuberant personality. 

“Of course you are,” Ennoshita said sarcastically as they walked back towards the entrance of the gym. 

It was too harsh. 

Their interaction was too rough. 

It was like they were stumbling around each other, not like last night though, when they were too hesitant, too afraid. Instead they were clashing, like two people who had hurt each other, but cared too much to admit it. 

They were still afraid.

  


* * *

  


Karasuno won. All eyes were on the starters. Everyone was crying, jumping, cheering. The stadium was exploding. And Tanaka and Ennoshita’s gazes found each other once more.

They crashed into each other, their arms immediately gripping, fumbling, trying to find a home on the others body. Ennoshita felt a bit like the main character. Nothing else seemed to matter. Their teammates disappeared. The gym disappeared. Everything disappeared, besides Tanaka. 

This had to be the conclusion, the end of the story that each protagonist fought to get to. Ennoshita now understood why they struggled for it. It was worth it. All the pain and aches and fights and apologies were worth this moment. 

Tanaka lifted him up and swung him around as Ennoshita held on to him. He placed secret kisses on his neck as his grip on Ennoshita tightened further. Ennoshita felt high. He felt alive. He felt too much. He felt _happy_. 

Suddenly he was back on the ground, his legs barely working. The lips on his neck were gone just as quick. Tanaka was already an arm’s length away staring at him with that same terrified expression he had on earlier. 

“I didn’t—we shouldn’t—I can’t” Ennoshita could barely make out Tanaka’s mumbling as he was backing further and further away from him as though Ennoshita was some diseased ridden animal. 

Tanaka was engulfed by the rest of the team in celebration, leaving Ennoshita to stare at the spot he had just twirled him in. It all crept back up on him. Ennoshita couldn't help but be disappointed. Even though Tanaka had said it would never happen again. It’s what he gets for hoping, for trying, for giving someone a chance, for wanting more than his Guy #3 status. 

Ennoshita had forgotten momentarily that he wasn’t the main character. There was no happily ever after for him, just the dullness of reality. 

And oh god was it more painful than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. My laptop is being funky.
> 
> I literally have no idea what I'm doing, holy shit. I hope y'all liked it. I'm even more eh about this chapter than the last so let me know if it confused you or you didn't like it or if you thought it was shit. All comments and feedback are appreciated a lot. 
> 
> In other news I'm in the middle of writing another Ennotana fic, though this one is an AU, so keep a look out for that one. Hopefully its less of a mess than this one lol. 
> 
> Have a good day people, where ever you are!


	8. Idk man (a.k.a what are happening to these titles)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ennoshita gets a lot of advice and then still manages to fuck up majorly.

After the match Ennoshita found himself looking at his team celebrate from afar, as though he was an outsider, like he didn't belong. In the moment he felt like he didn't. A very similar situation the person standing next to him was in. Tsukishima Akiteru stood against the wall, looking very awkward, but still managed to look ecstatic. Next to him was a very hyper Tanaka Saeko, who was jumping around in a very similar manner to another Tanaka, which was unfortunate for Ennoshita's weak heart. He couldn't help but look at the pair converse with fondness and a bit of longing.

"Did you see Kei?" the older Tsukishima said, swinging his arms around excitedly, "He was amazing! He's so amazing!"

"He was," Saeko-san agreed with just as much enthusiasm, "But it's not that surprising that he's brilliant."

The boy looked at her hesitantly, confused by her statement, his wide hand motions coming to an abrupt stop. "It's not?"

A wide smile appeared on her face, painfully similar to the one her brother wore when he pranked one of their teammates. She reached up and patted Akiteru's cheek in a fond manner as she said, "He's related to you, isn't he?"

And with that she leaped away, with the grace of a dancer, to join the rest of the celebration. In her wake, she left a blushing, blubbering, pile of Tsukishima.

 Ennoshita had to take pity on the guy, knowing first hand what The Tanaka Charm can do to people. He reached out and patted him on the shoulder.

"They have that affect on people," Ennoshita said sympathetically.

Akiteru jumped in surprise as though just noticing that Ennoshita was there, but then looked embarrassed, eyes staring fixedly at the floor. "Was I that obvious?"

"Couldn't be more if you tried," Ennoshita replied evenly, but when Akiteru turned even redder (maybe not all Tsukishima's were made of stone) he quickly added, "Don't worry I would've probably been the same way." He looked over at Tanaka, who was being hugged to death by his sister. "Actually, I'm much worse," he whispered more to himself than Akiteru.

 The older boy followed his gaze to Tanaka and then a knowing smile formed on his lips. "Ah, so you're girl trouble," he chuckled.

"What?"

"Nothing," He said, still laughing a bit, "Saeko-san was just concerned that her brother has been a bit off recently. She was really worried because he didn't come back home until five in the morning. Not that it's any of my business."

There was still a playful smirk on his lips as he gazed at Ennoshita questioningly.

Dammit. Did everyone know about his drama? Ennoshita voiced this out loud and Akiteru just laughed at him some more.

"That's high school for you. Everyone knows your shit and nobody's the least bit helpful about it."

"Tell me about it," Ennoshita huffed leaning further into the wall, wanting to sink into the painted bricks. He was extremely embarrassed. A complete stranger, who probably didn't know his name, knew about him and Tanaka. They might as well make an announcement at school tomorrow. _Hey Karasuno! Ennoshita Chikara has a big, stupid crush on Tanaka Ryuunosuke, but he's too busy wallowing in self pity to admit it! Have a good day!_

"Well- wait I never caught your name or can I just call you girl trouble?"

Ennoshita was grateful he didn't have an older sibling. Between the teasing and his own self deprecation, he'd probably be even more cynical (if possible). "It's Ennoshita. Ennoshita Chikara, but you can call me just Ennoshita."

"Well, just Ennoshita," The twinkle in his eye as he spoke made Ennoshita wonder if his younger brother would have the same charm if he smiled so genuinely all the time. "Let me give you some real advice. You ready for it?"

"Yes" Ennoshita was a bit embarrassed at how quickly he responded, but Akiteru seemed so genuine and was so cute and Ennoshita had a weakness for cute boys. He tried to pretend that his attractiveness wasn't a factor, but it was hard to deny that the older Tsukishima was quite the looker. 

"It's high school," he said as though it were a profound statement.

"Oh wow, I hadn't noticed," Ennoshita deadpanned. Maybe Kei got all the brains and Akiteru got the looks.

"No, what I mean is," He suddenly looked nervous again and Ennoshita quickly realized he was glaring at him, "It's just high school. Whatever you think is a big problem now is going to seem really stupid in two years."

When Ennoshita gave him a skeptical look, he continued.

"I'm not saying your problems are stupid or petty. I'm saying that the solution is probably a lot simpler than you think and later you're gonna regret not doing things because you were too scared." He said this all very quickly, wringing his hands together and giving Ennoshita a sheepish look.

Ennoshita raised an eyebrow at him, "Too scared huh? Story of my life."

That brought another chuckle out of Akiteru. "Don't worry about it. That was me in high school. I've been there. I hated myself for it; a bit of me still hates myself for it, just," he paused and patted Ennoshita's shoulder, "trust me, ok? And go for it."

He patted Ennoshita's shoulder once more before turning away, not before Ennoshita gave him his own advice. "You should go for it too," he said smirking slightly at Akiteru's turned back.

The older boy turned back and shot Ennoshita a winning smile (one that made his heart stutter slightly). "I think I will."

Ennoshita watched as he joined the celebration too, throwing an arm around Saeko-san and an only slightly annoyed younger brother. His eyes automatically zoned in on Tanaka, as though there were magnets attracting them to each other. He smiled sadly and then whispered to himself, "I wish I could too."

 

* * *

 

 

The trip home was a daze for Ennoshita, the bus ride a blur of tears and heroic re-tellings of their victory. Ennoshita was quiet for the most part. Both Kinoshita and Narita knew when to comfort him and when to back the fuck off. He was for ever grateful for the distance they provided him.

He found himself walking home alone from the school. It was good for him though. The loudness of the stadium coupled with all the noise inside his mind gave him a pounding headache, so it was a nice change to have his surroundings be blissfully quiet.

The path was only lit by dirty street lamps, bathing the scene ahead of him in orange highlights and midnight blue shadows. It made him feel like he was inside a Van Gogh painting. It was relaxing every one of his senses, including his restless imagination. His mind seemed to call a truce, as there were no self-deprecating or angry thoughts battling whatever little will power he had left. Instead a peaceful calm was set through it, like a clear pool so undisturbed it could be mistaken for glass. The only thing disturbing the serene atmosphere was the sound of his own footsteps, heavy against the sidewalk, as he mechanically traced his way home.

Maybe he was just too tired to fight anymore today. Maybe it was the calm before the storm. It was probably both. The weather seemed to be in agreement, as the winds picked up around him, sending leaves and petals flying around his head.

Ennoshita stopped where he was, concentrating on the little flowers growing between the cracks of the pavement. He picked one up, twirling it between his fingers, smiling as the little petals danced along with the movements. He twirled it quicker, giggles bursting from his lips as the flower swayed faster and faster. He couldn't stop the laughter pouring out from him and by the time the stem broke from all the pressure he was putting on it, Ennoshita was in full blown hysteria.

Oh god, he really has gone off the deep end. He must have looked like a mess, standing in the middle of the way, clutching a broken flower he was laughing at. He wasn't really sure he was laughing at the flower, though. Looking at the flower made him realize how ridiculously ironic he was being. The root of all his problems was his insignificance, how he was a Guy #3 in a world full of heroes, and yet here he was, walking down a picturesque scene as though he was the main character in a sappy anime, as though he was making some dramatic statement, by simply walking home. He was laughing at his own ego-centrism. He was laughing because he wasn't anything special, so he needed to stop acting like he was. In his mind all his problems were dramatized, his views skewed by polar personality, his ideas magnified due to his constant contemplation.

In reality he was laughing at a stupid little flower. In reality he was just an angry, lonely boy, walking home from a volleyball match.

Ennoshita crushed the flower in his hand, feeling the wetness creep into the cracks of his palms.

And that was all there was to it, right? He was just an angry, bitter boy, who can't let anything go and can't let anyone in. Nothing special. Nothing new, according to everyone else too. What did everyone tell him today?

_Trust me, ok?_

_Trust me, I know._

_I've been there, trust me._

_Trust me. Trust me. Trust me._

_Trust you?_ That's not a problem. Ennoshita couldn't trust himself. He couldn't trust himself; he could barely stand himself.

So there he stood. A silly, angry boy, who hated himself. Nothing new, right?

He took off running, the flower still crumpled in his fist.

 

* * *

 

By the time he reached back home he was a panting, sweaty mess. His hands were shaking as he tried to open his door. The key didn't seem to fit properly today. Despite his best effort, Ennoshita couldn't quite get it into the lock, but apparently he didn't need to, as the door swung open on his third attempt.

He was immediately engulfed into a hug, thick hair obscuring his vision and a sweet smell calming the rest of his senses. _Mom_.

 "Chikara!" She said happily as she pulled away to look at him, "I'm so happy for you! Aren't you excited?"

"Ma," Ennoshita said putting on his best smile, "What are you doing home? You usually get back way later?"

She gave him a much sweeter smile in return as she led him through the entrance, closing the door behind them. "Your coach called and told me the good news during work," she said already busing herself in the kitchen, "So I got off early because winners don't eat alone, now do they? How sad would that be?"

Ennoshita couldn't help, but laugh at that. He was anything but a winner. "Sure, mama, whatever you say."

She tapped him lightly on the head with her wooden spoon in retaliation. "Watch the tone," she said playfully as she doled out a large portion of food to Ennoshita,"Or you won't get second helpings."

Ennoshita gave her an over-exaggerated whine in return.

"Fine you can have seconds," she joked as she took her spot across from Ennoshita, "But don't even think about asking for thirds."

Through a mouthful of rice, Ennoshita tried to give her a gleeful response, but instead he ended up spraying the table with his dinner.

After some more lighthearted arguing over who had to clean it up, they both finally started to eat. His mother was the first to start up an actual conversation.

"So how was the match?" she asked, between bites, "I want to know every detail."

Ennoshita divulged every detail he could, explained every technical aspect, trying to distance himself from the game, distract himself from his real feelings. He was scared that if he let any emotion show, his mom would know something was up. She had a knack for figuring him out and Ennoshita had a weakness for tell her everything. He was a mama's boy through and through.

After dinner, Ennoshita tried to escape as soon as possible, washing the dishes quickly and stunting the conversation as much as possible. He was definitely ready to go cry his heart out in his bedroom alone, but just as he put one foot on the staircase, his mother called him back down.

"Chikara! Wait! I've got something for you."

Ennoshita went back into the kitchen to find his mother standing there, holding two very familiar looking cups. They never did get around to eating them last night.

"I must have forgotten I bought these," she said as she pulled out some spoons, "How convenient though, huh? It's a nice little victory treat!"

 As she handed him his cup, he meant to say thank you, but instead word vomit came out. "Ma, I think I messed up!"

She didn't even flinch. She just nodded and said, "There it is."

"What?"

She gave Ennoshita one of her warm smiles, "I knew something was off the minute you walked in. I was just waiting for you to tell me."

 Oh god, his mom was the best person ever.

"So tell me," she said with a smirk, sitting down at the table again, "Does it have anything to do with the mysterious pudding cups that appeared in our fridge?"

"You knew"

"Chikara, do you think I'm stupid?"

"No, mama"

"Good," she brushed his hair up, "Tell me what's wrong."

Ennoshita huffed, feeling a bit like a child. "I think I'm a bad person, ma," he whispered into his pudding, "I hurt somebody."

 "Was it whoever bought these?" she asked, gesturing to the cups, "He seems nice."

Ennoshita gave a weak chuckle. "You only like him because you like pudding."

"That's very true," she said waving her spoon at him, "but seriously what happened? You must've been on good terms if he bought you food."

 "We were when he bought me it," Ennoshita explained, "but a lot of stuff-- wait, how did you know it was a boy?"

His mom swirled her spoon around casually. "Chikara, I do your laundry."

"Oh," Ennoshita looked up to find his mom giving him a pointed look, "Oohh. Oh no. Oh my god." He hid his face in his hands. "I'm so sorry. I didn't think about that."

"Don't worry about it," she said, patting his arm. Ennoshita lifted his head from his hands to raise an eyebrow at her. "I mean for now," she added quickly, "I'll think of some punishment later. Just be careful next time, ok? Imagine if your father found out!"

Ennoshita shuddered at the thought and then sighed in relief. Even if the entire universe was against him, his mom would always be on his side. "You're too soft on me. I deserve some consequences from time to time."

"Well I would be meaner, but you're already so hard on yourself, someone needs to pamper you," she replied, "I'm sure you've already kicked yourself a thousand times for whatever you did."

"I-," Ennoshita tried to rebuttal, but came up with nothing. He really had kicked himself about a thousand times because of The Tanaka Situation (as he now refers to it).

His mom just smiled brighter and continued. "You've always been like this." she paused and looked down at her dessert. "You see all your flaws all the time. It's a good thing sometimes. I never have to worry about you getting a big ego," she chuckled a bit, "but I just wish you'd see all the good things about yourself; there's so many of them."

"Sometimes it feels like there's nothing good about me," Ennoshita said, finding his voice again, "I do have quite the ego, believe it or not. I've been very self-centered these past couple of days."

"Oh, Chikara," she sighed, "I'm sure your definition of 'self-centered' is a bit different than everyone else's."

Ennoshita opened his mouth to protest, but his mom cut him off. "Let me guess. You've been really focused on this problem you're having and you've been getting advice from a lot of people. You feel selfish because you think you're making a big deal out of nothing."

Ennoshita shut his mouth quickly. "How are you always right?"

She just laughed in response. "Chikara, that's not being selfish," she explained as though he was a very small child. He felt like a very small child. "It's part of being human. Sometimes you need to focus on yourself and that's ok."

His mother's words comforted him a bit, but some things were still bothering him. "But, ma," Ennoshita said. His mom just hummed in response. "I am the bad person in this situation."

"I doubt it, Chikara," she replied confidently, "You always make yourself out to be a bad person, but you rarely ever are. Did you hurt him on purpose?"

"No, but-"

"Then you aren't the bad guy," she said finality, "I'm sure he'll listen if you explain your side and apologize."

"I did apologize, mama," Ennoshita argued, "I made it worse though."

"Did you tell him how you really felt about everything?" she asked. Ennoshita hesitated, but that was enough of an answer for her. "Of course you didn't," she sighed, "He's not going to know you're hurting too if you don't say anything."

"He won't want me if I tell him the truth," he said, his voice as small and weak as he felt. When he looked up at his mom she was staring at him, like she didn't quite know what to make of him. _Same mom, same_.

"How could he not want you? You're my sweet boy! Who can resist?" She teased as she pinched his cheek.

"Ma!" Ennoshita tried to twist out of her grip, "I'm being serious!"

She gave him a bright smile. "I am too. I'm sure he will if you give him a chance. Promise me you'll try?"

Ennoshita returned the smile weakly. "I'll try."

"Good," she said, getting up from the table, empty cups in hand. "that's what I like to hear. I don't raise cowards, now do I?" she said from the kitchen.

_Sorry mama, but I think you did._

 

* * *

 

Ennoshita's instinct was to avoid Tanaka, even though just about everyone on the planet told him to just talk to him. He still didn't trust it to not blow up in his face, like last time. So for the first day after finals, he stayed as far as ways as possible from him. During practice though, Daichi gave both of them The Mega Death Stare when they were paired up for practice and they mutually decided that they'd rather get along than induce Daichi's wrath.

So began the most stressful interaction Ennoshita had to endure in his entire. It was mostly stressful because everything was so _fucking normal_ between them. They teased each other, practiced together perfectly fine, and Ennoshita scolded Tanaka, all like nothing had happened. It was scary how easy it was to slip back into their normal routine. They worked so well together; Ennoshita remembered why he was so infatuated with the spiker. He was so simple. They were so simple. It was a nice reminder that not everything between them had to be complicated. It was the calm.

There was still a line though. A physical one, he could feel Tanaka put up whenever Ennoshita got too close, held on for too long. He'd go rigid, ice cold, and avoid Ennoshita for sometime before going back to their blissful normality. One that Ennoshita crossed without a second thought because how could he not get close to Tanaka? And there was the storm.

It happened weeks after finals, most of the first years were gone to their various training camps they were invitied (or sneaked in) to. Shimizu and Yachi cut up some watermelon for the remaining players and they all munched happily on it, sitting on the steps outside the gym.

Tanaka had a bunch of seeds sticking to his face as he ate because he's an absolutely adorable mess. So it wasn't Ennoshitas fault that he couldn't help but giggle at him.

"Ryuu," the nickname just slipped out of his mouth so casually, "learn how to eat." He reached out to pick a seed off of Tanaka's cheek, but suddenly there was a tight grip on his wrist.

Tanaka's expression was as harsh as his reply. "Don't."

The happy atmosphere quickly evaporated. Ennoshita's patience was gone with it. "What's your problem?"

Tanaka stared at him with wide eyes. "My problem? What about you Ennoshita? What do you want from me?" He asked, getting up and dropping his fruit.

Ennoshita was seriously confused now. "What are you talking about?"

Tanaka clenched his fist as he responded, as though he was barely containing himself, "I'm talking about how one day you say you never want us to happen and now you're acting like this!"

"Like what? Like your friend? I thought we were friends Tanaka!" Ennoshita argued, standing up too so that he could be on even ground.

"No!" Tanaka yelled, "like you want me, like you want to be close to me! I can't be near you like that if-" He cut himself off, but Ennoshita finished it for him.

"If what, Tanaka?" Ennoshita questioned harshly, "If you can't fuck me?"

Ennoshita was so fucking done. Done with Tanaka's elusiveness. Done with how he made him feel like he had stabbed through his heart when Tanaka had done the very same thing to Ennoshita.

Tanaka was suddenly very quiet, gaping at him, shocked that Ennoshita would bring that up in front of everyone. His silence confirmed Ennoshita's suspicions. So much for giving people a chance.

 "What?" Ennoshita asked again, "Am I too pretty to be your friend now that you've seen me? Now that I won't give you anything we can't be close, is that it?"

His palms were sweating, his eyes were stinging, his heart was pounding as he wait for Tanaka to respond. When he did, Ennoshita wasn't prepared for it. Tanaka always did manage to surprise him.

He spoke in the smallest voice Ennoshita ever heard Tanaka use, but the bitterness was clear in every word. "If that's how lowly you think of me," Tanaka said, eyes red, voice breaking, stepping back, distancing himself from Ennoshita, "maybe you shouldn't even bother with me."

Ennoshita's heart broke; he was doing this to himself. Oh god, he was terrible, horrible, no good at all. Ennoshita broke this boy and then some. He tried pathetically to fix it, "Ryuu wait, I didn't mean-"

"Please, don't," Tanaka whispered, taking off, leaving the team in utter silence.

Noya was the first to react, leaping up and chasing after Tanaka. "Ryuu, wait up man!" he said, as he disappeared around the corner.

Ennoshita stared hard at the ground. The little wildflowers poking up from the grass swayed as his tears hit them .

They were still just stupid, little flowers. And he was still just an angry, lonely boy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit sorry this took so long. My laptop literally fell apart (kinda like Ennoshita). Like it's screen just came off, so RIP in pieces Benny; you will be missed. So I had to type a lot of this on my phone; it was terrible. Anyway because it took so long I made this chapter super long. I hope you liked it! Please tell me if you do or don't because as always all comments are welcomed!
> 
> Thank y'all for all the comments on the last chapter! I know I've said this before, but y'all are too sweet to me. I appreciate it quite a lot! I hope y'all have a lovely day where ever you are! :D
> 
> P.S. I'm really shit at naming chapter, as you can see, if you think of a better one let me know because I actually just gave up on this one. (I will give credit to you if you do!)


	9. Oh, Fuck it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath gave Ennoshita a new perspective and it's just what he needed.

Soft fingers intertwined with his own, gently guiding him back into the gym. Ennoshita's vision was completely blurred by fresh tears ready to fall, so there was no way he'd be able to navigate by himself anyway. Another pair of firm hands gripped at his shoulders, rubbing at them comfortingly. He couldn't tell who they were. Kinoshita? Narita? Did it even matter?

They led him into a dark room and sat him down on something soft. It took him awhile to gather his senses and figure out where he was. The musty scent filled his nostrils; the storage room, that's where he was. His hands gripped at smooth plastic-like fabric; a practice mat, that's where he's sitting.

He looked up when he heard a door close. Narita was hovering by the entrance, looking panicked. To his side, Kinoshita stood, hands still resting on his shoulders. Ennoshita then noticed that his hand was still in someone else's. Directly in front of him was Suga, kneeling so that he was eye level with Ennoshita. He had a comforting smile on his face, sympathetic and knowing. 

It made Ennoshita burst into a new round of tears. Embarrassed, he pulled away from Suga and hid his face in his hands.

"I-I didn't- m-mea-" Ennoshita tried to speak in between choked sobs.

Kinoshita's grip on his shoulders tightened, pulling him closer as Suga carefully removed his hands from his face. He felt the mat spring slightly as Narita sat on his other side. 

Ennoshita was still crying loudly as Suga tried to shush him gently. He just couldn't stop though.

"Shhhh shhh, We know you didn't mean it, right?" Suga wiped at his tears with his own sleeve. "You were just scared and hurt, yeah? It's ok now though; you're alright."

 Ennoshita just nodded along with his words, his sobs turning into small hiccups. 

"Good," Suga smiled, "Now can you tell us what that was all about?"

Ennoshiga shook his head at that. He didn't think he'd ever be ready to tell anyone. He wasn't even sure what he was thinking. All he knew was that there was a new pain in his chest that was (if possible) even bigger than the one he always carried before. And that it had everything to do with how horrible he's been to Tanaka.

"He told us a bit about it," Kinoshia hesitated, as if he was asking for permission to continue. When Ennoshita didn't protest he told Suga what Ennoshita had divulged to them on the bus, barely taking any breaths between his words, like he was scared someone would stop him if he took a break. 

"He didn't tell us what they talked about after the match, though," Kinoshita ended with, "I thought they had made up, with the way they were acting, but I guess they didn't."

"We should've noticed something was off," Narita said guiltily and then turned to Ennoshita, "You were so quiet after the match. I just assumed you were tired, but really something happened between you and Tanaka, right?"

Ennoshita looked up to find three pairs of eyes staring at him expectantly. He suddenly felt very small. 

"It's not your fault at all. Don't feel bad," Ennoshita said quietly, "I didn't say anything and I'm the one who did everything anyway. It's my own fault."

"It's nobody's fault," Suga said firmly, patting at his knee, "Now what happened when you guys talked at the match? Did you guys fight?"

Ennoshita paused, wondering if he should lie about the conversation. He decided against it; they already don't know the full truth about what happened that night. Every experienced liar know you just sprinkle a few lies in the truth to make it convincing. And, oh god, was Ennoshita experienced.

"I tried to apologize to him about what we did the night before," he sniffed, "But it seemed like I said something wrong cause he still seemed angry. Maybe it wasn't enough. So then I-"

  _kissed him on the cheek._ Ennoshita stopped himself before he could finish though, feeling embarrassed. The act seemed to intimate for him to say out loud. How silly, he just screamed about him and Tanaka having sex to the entire team, but here he was, too shy to say he gave him a peck on the cheek. He wanted to keep that moment a secret, though. It made him feel strangely vulnerable, just thinking about telling the others about the kiss.

"You what?" Kinoshita asked.

Ennoshita cleared his throat. "I-ermh- hugged him good luck, but he seemed cold afterwards. Then again after the match we hugged."

_And he placed cute little kisses on my neck._

"But then he pulled away again. He's kinda been like that ever since," Ennoshita finished.

"Huh," Narita huffed, "So you can't exactly just go up and talk to him. Can you?"

"No," Ennoshita's voice trembled, "I think he hates me."

 Immediately everyone protested with a chorus of 'of course not!' and 'how could he?' 

After the initial shockwave of sympathy, Suga spoke up, "I think the problem is quite the opposite, actually."

Ennoshita stared at him, wide eyed, knowing where he was going.

"I think he likes you a lot. Maybe there's even a bit of love in there."

Ennoshita heard Kinoshita and Narita wince, as Suga brought up the taboo topic, knowing how coldly Ennoshita reacted to it last time. But before Ennoshita could protest and tell Suga how wrong he was, how Tanaka couldn't possible love someone as plain as Ennoshita, the door slammed open, causing everyone to jump and huddle closer.

Daichi was standing at the doorway looking mostly determined, a little angry, and a bit like he wanted to throw up.

There was a small four way stare down before he spoke. "Kinoshita, Narita could you go help clean up?" He had his captain voice on, "We are cutting practice short."

For the first time, Ennoshita saw his friends outright defy their captain, staying rooted where they were.

"No I think we're good here," Kinoshita said, grip tightening almost painfully on Ennoshita's shoulder.

"Yeah I think we are needed more here," Narita added, "We're kinda in the middle of talking."

Daichi suddenly looked shy and hesitant, something he never is in front of his team. "That's actually why I came here," he said, rubbing at the back of his neck, "I wanted to speak to Ennoshita."

"You can," Kinoshita replied.

"Alone."

"Oh" Kinoshita and Narita exchanged looks, still hesitating where they stood. They looked to Suga, but he was staring fixedly at the ground, as though he wanted to sink through it.

"For god's sake I'm not going to eat him!" Daichi exasperated, when he saw they're terrified expressions at his outburst, though he softened a bit. "Besides only Yamaguchi is cleaning the gym, so he really does need help."

"What about-"

"Asahi and Sensei went after Noya and Tanaka, Shimizu-san is very kindly cleaning the mess outside, and I sent Yachi home," he looked at Ennoshita, "She seemed frazzled from the-uhum- events that occurred."

That made Ennoshita feel infinitely times worse. Poor, little Yachi is probably going to be terrified of him. She and everyone else probably think he's insane. Maybe that's why everyone is treating him so delicately. Maybe that's why Daichi came to talk to him. To tell him that he isn't fit to be captain, that he needs someone more emotionally stable to lead.

Its probably for the best really. Ennoshita would have cracked under the pressure and scar a whole new team with his mental breakdown.

"Are you ok with us leaving?" Kinoshita startled him by actually addressing him. Ennoshita simply nodded too tired to do much else, saving his energy for when Daichi breaks it to him. 

They gave him one last sympathetic look, Narita even brushed his hair back a bit, before grabbing some brooms and leaving. Ennoshita was left with the captain and vice captain, who wouldn't even look at each other. He had a feeling he wasn't the only one having relationship issues. 

"Suga," Daichi said sharply, finally addressing the other, "You can stay if you want to."

The setter turned to him and as soon as they made eye contact it was like they were having a secret conversation, one that they were not agreeing in. Ennoshita felt like he was the one who should leave the room. Instead Suga got up and started to walk to exit.

"I think I'll go," he said defiantly, "I wouldn't want to add any extra baggage to the conversation."

"Suga that's not fair." Daichi sounded almost desperate.

He looked at his captain again and gave him a smile that broke even Ennoshita's heart. "I know," Suga whispered, "Just don't be too hard on him, ok captain?"

"I'd never be."

Suga gave his response as he stood at the edge of the doorway, back turned to both Ennoshita and Daichi. "That's right," his voice was a lot harsher than usual, "The only person you're hard on is yourself."

He walked out and Daichi watched him with such a tender expression that Ennoshita felt like he was interrupting something private. When the door shut behind him, though, Daichi's attention turned back to him. 

Daichi looked even more nervous that Ennoshita did. Wasn't he the one who wanted to talk? When he hesitated some more Ennoshita decided to take initiative.

"Just say it," Ennoshita said shortly, "I can take it."

"Take what?"

"You don't want me to be captain, right? That's why you wanted to talk."

"What?! No," Daichi said, shaking his head, "I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I'd never take that away from you. The team decided on that."

"Oh," Ennoshita felt a little weight lift off him, "But I'm sure you don't think I'm right for it after that mess?"

 "Nah I still think you're right for the job," Daichi smiled at him, "You just looked so scared out there. I had a feeling that Tanaka wasn't the only thing bothering you."

Ennoshita's insides squirmed. He couldn't tell Daichi what else he's been fighting. It was too much.

"No, nothing else, really," Ennoshita lied easily.

"You don't need to tell me what it is," He gave Ennoshita a knowing look, "but please don't lie about it either."

"Wow you're good."

"I'm experienced in that area."

"Tell me about it"

"Well, from one experienced liar to another," Daichi laughed harshly, "Don't lie to everyone. Keep that one person you can tell everything to."

"One person?"

"Yeah." Daichi sat down next to him and continued, "It keeps you from bottling everything up and then exploding randomly, like just now. In the future you can't loose it in front of the team. You know that right?"

"Yeah, I know," Ennoshita sighed, "I just- I don't even know what I was thinking when I said all of that."

"I could tell you've been having a rough couple of weeks. I think everyone could feel something was off, so nobody blames you," Daichi assured him, "But that's why I'm telling you, you should have someone you talk about stuff with. So you don't keep it all in."

"I don't have anyone like that."

"Maybe you do and you haven't noticed," Daichi reasoned, "or maybe you keep pushing them away."

Ennoshita's thoughts immediately went to that night before finals, when the words wouldn't stop pouring out and Ennoshita didn't even try to stop them. Tanaka. When, he was with Tanaka it was easy to talk, not just easy. He wanted to talk.

"Oh"

Daichi chuckled, "I thought you'd figure it out."

"He doesn't want me like that though," Ennoshita said, already trying to find a flaw.

"It doesn't need to be romantic," Daichi countered, "It can be platonic. I tell Suga everything and we're just friends. It just needs to be someone you trust."

Ennoshita was surprised. He always thought they were something more, at least the way Suga talked about Daichi made it seem like that. "Does Suga know you're just friends?"

Daichi didn't respond. Ennoshita expected him to get mad, but instead he just looked at the floor, defeated. He looked scared, unsure, like he was a high school student worried about his first love. Then Ennoshita remembered; Daichi _was_ a high school student. He had worries and uncertainties too. In the dim lighting of the storage room, it was hard for Ennoshita not to see anything but an angry, lonely boy sitting on a practice mat. It was all very familiar.

"It's too late for that," Daichi mumbled, "It's too complicated. We would weigh each other down. I can't do that to him. He's too good for me."

_Extra baggage._

Suga's hard words echoed in his mind. Somethings seemed to click up there also. Daichi has been faking it too. Daichi was like him; scared, of himself, of Suga, of everything. He's just a bit better at hiding it. Ennoshita wasn't sure if it made him feel better or worse.

"So you pushed him away too?" Ennoshita asked tentatively.

Daichi sighed and turned to give him a wary look. "Yeah," he agreed finally, "But only when it was too late for us to happen. You and Tanaka have time. It's you're decision if you make use of it."

"But you know Suga likes you! Why wouldn't you go for it? I don't know if he likes me," Ennoshita still had so many questions, but he had a feeling that even Daichi didn't have all the answers.

"Ennoshita, would you go for it if you found out Tanaka liked you right now? Would you confess to him?" Daichi asked.

Ennoshita contemplated for a moment. The answer was obvious. "No."

"Exactly, that's why what happened today happened," Daichi retorted, "And why not?"

"Because," Ennoshita hesitated, "because I'm not 100% about anything. I'd have to think about it, wait it out until it was a sure thing. Even then I'd be skeptical."

Daichi paused for a moment then cracked a smile. "We're more alike than you think," he said, that strained smile plastered on his face, "That's why we need people like Tanaka and Suga. People who aren't so bitter and harsh. I just wish I'd realized it sooner. But for you, it's not too late. You have time to contemplate it, so use it. But don't wait so long that he gives up on you. Ok?"

"You're acting like you know he likes me. Remember he doesn't?" Ennoshita said sourly.

Daichi gave him a more genuine smile this time, one that said that he definitely knows something Ennoshita doesn't. He hated that smile. "Sometimes you need to step back and look at all of this from another perspective," Daichi said, patting his back, "It makes things really obvious."

"Funny, Suga told me the same thing," Ennoshita snorted.

"That's because Suga is smart." Daichi got up and started walking to the door, so that Ennoshita couldn't see his expression. "Come out when your ready, ok?"

With that he shut the door behind him, leaving Ennoshita sitting in an old storage room, his thoughts growing rapidly.

He stared at the broken broom in the corner. It had been months since that fight that almost tore the team apart. Ennoshita and Tanaka were threatening to do it again. What did Suga always say when someone tried to throw it away?

_It's still good. It just needs to be fixed._

Tanaka and Ennoshita. They were still good. Or at least that's what everyone was implying. They just needed to be fixed. Ennoshita needed to fix it.

Ennoshita. He was still good. He just needed to be fixed up. Like the broom.

The only problem was, he had no idea how.

 

* * *

 

When he finally left the storage room, only the coach was standing in the gym, waiting for him. The rest were probably changing in the club room or already on their way home. He gave Ennoshita a contemplative look and then hesitated.

He ended up just patting him awkwardly on the back mumbling, "You're alright, kid. Everything's gonna be fine."

Ennoshita nodded, happy that the coach even tried with him, knowing that emotions weren't his strong suit.

He waited in the gym for a little while, so that he could change in the practice room without the stares he knows he'd get and then walked home alone. He'd been doing that a lot recently. It was a good time to think and to not think. Ennoshita did a little bit of both.

If he thought too much, his harsh words to Tanaka would just echo in his mind.

_Because you can't fuck me?_

Tanaka's expression replayed over and over. Could they really be fixed? Could he? Ennoshita began to doubt it again.

By the time he got home, he was drowning in his thoughts again. His house was empty and cold. His mother wasn't back yet. She had left him a note, though, telling him to buy some dinner with the money on the counter. Ennoshita ignored it and marched straight to his bed, burying himself under the covers.

 He screamed into his pillow, the muffled noise only drowning out his thoughts slightly. He turned over and faced the ceiling. He was back to square one, searching his bedroom walls for answers.

He followed the crack in his ceiling, remembering how his mother always said she wanted to fix it, how she never had the time to. Ennoshita wondered if that's what he's been doing to himself. Has he been sweeping his inner demons to the side? Casting them away, so that he didn't have to deal with them because he didn't have the time to deal with them. Is that why they were so large now?

According to Daichi he still had time though. 

 _Daichi._ The captain had confused him today, shattered his image. It was rather jarring to see someone so strong, look so small in that tiny dark storage room, hunched over like he wanted to disappear. It was like he was breaking character and- _oh my god_.

Ennoshita sat up quickly, his sheets tangling at his hips, his mind alive with the sudden realization.

He's been treating everyone like a character.

He knew he had been doing it to himself. He told himself he was Guy #3 and that was that. He was meant to be in the background, mediocre. He had a glass ceiling that mocked him. But he's been doing it to everyone else too. 

Daichi, the strong willed captain. Suga, the sweet advice giving mentor. Kinoshita and Narita, friends who teased him, nothing much else. And Tanaka, the beautiful bright boy that he broke.  _No_. He was wrong, no one could be encompassed in a single sentence. Nobody could do that to anybody. He couldn't do it either; not to Daichi, Suga, or Tanaka. He couldn't do it to anyone. Not even himself.

This why everyone kept surprising him, why he kept surprising himself. He was supposed to be a background character, right? Yet how many scenes had he created in the last few weeks? Too many to count. If he was truly just a Guy #3 he wouldn't make any. And then there was everyone else. 

Kinoshita and Narita, who he thought always just kind of went with the crowd, standing up to their captain, for him of all people. Daichi, who was strong, yet weak when it came to himself and Suga. Suga, who was sweet, but bitter when it came to Daichi. And Tanaka, who was bright, beautiful and warm, and yet he treated Ennoshita so coldly.

 All these traits, they were good, they were bad, they were neither, and they made them human. All of them were individuals, not just a stalk character, with a cardboard cut out personality and a plot already set.

What had Daichi and Suga said?

_Change your perspective._

Ennoshita did and everything was starting to become obvious. Everything was clicking into place. Him and Tanaka didn't seem so tangled anymore, just a little crack in a huge picture that he could fix in time. 

This entire time, his entire life, Ennoshita thought himself as a bad person, painted himself one color and moved on, never bothering to dig deeper. What if there was something more? Something good? Something great? What if Tanaka saw that instead of all the bad? Maybe he eve-

Ennoshita plopped back down, his head falling onto the pillow with a solid thump. The thought gave him a glimmer of hope. It was a slim chance, but Ennoshita had never even consider anything for himself, not just for him and Tanaka, so this small strand of hope felt large in his grasp. It made him giddy; he felt light and high, kinda like he felt after the match. He couldn't help the small giggle that escaped him. 

It wasn't the same crazy laughter, from after the match, the one that was loud and desperate. No, this one was quiet and soft, just like how Ennoshita was feeling.

It came crashing down quickly as he realized what he had done today. His new perspective on the situation still didn't change what had happened, what he caused. It didn't change the fact that Tanaka would probably treat him coldly tomorrow. Maybe he saw good in Ennoshita, but was it enough? Was it enough to bury what terrible things Ennoshita had said? 

Ennoshita hadn't planned on speaking to him tomorrow anyway. They both needed time and he was still a coward, nothing has really changed.

He just wished someone could tell him or give him a sign, of what was going on in Tanaka's mind.

 

* * *

 

 Suga was the first and only person to talk to him about the Tanaka Situation, the next day.

He looked nervous. He kept squirming, rubbing his feet together and wringing his hands tightly. 

"Was Daichi too hard on you?" He finally asked with a bright smile. Fake.

"No, he was actually pretty nice," Ennoshita replied leaning against the wall, "I think he's secretly a big softie."

"Ha ha. He is, isn't he?" Suga was still smiling, even though the rest of his body language was screaming the exact opposite. "I would have waited for you after practice, but coach said you wanted to be alone. Are you sure you're alright?"

Suga's question was genuine, but Ennoshita could tell there was something else bothering him. "Yeah, I think I figured a lot of things out, actually," Ennoshita returned Suga's smile, "Change your perspective, right?"

"Yup, that's what I've been saying," Suga said brightly. He hesitated and then started again, "Did Daichi-"

He cut himself off and mumbled, "Never mind."

Ennoshita finished it for him anyway. "Did Daichi say anything about you?"

Suga looked surprised, his eyebrows disappearing beneath his bangs. He then blush a bright red and started stuttering, "Oh- I mean- yeah I guess- umm- What did he say?"

Ennoshita let a little laugh out. "Yeah he mentioned you quite a bit," Ennoshita paused and licked his lips, wondering if he should reveal what the captain had said so vulnerably. When Suga looked just as vulnerable, he knew he had to. "He said he thinks it's too late for you guys and that he's not good enough for you."

Suga glared at the tiles and Ennoshita was quite glad it wasn't directed at him. He ground his foot into the floor as he grumbled, "That idiot. He always thinks he knows what he's doing but he never does."

"I'm sure he's just doing what he thinks is right." Ennoshita was actually concerned for Daichi's well being, from the way Suga was glaring, it didn't look so good. His gaze soften slightly at Ennoshita's words.

He looked at Ennoshita with sad eyes. "He always is," he said softly, "You and him have that in common. Always putting yourself down and putting everyone else on a pedestal."

Ennoshita suddenly felt very shy. Suga looked a bit too understanding for comfort. "Yeah," Ennoshita said turning to look at the students walking past them, "That's why you should go easy on him. He's probably already beating himself up."

"You're probably right," Suga sighed and then looked at Ennoshita slyly, "It looks like your senpai's intelligence is finally rubbing off on you."

Ennoshita chuckled and played along. Suga looked like he needed some cheering up.

"Yup," Ennoshita said, "Thank you for gracing me with your powers. I am forever in your debt."

They both laughed at that. It felt nice after all the heavy conversations he's had with everyone.

When their laughter died down a bit, Ennoshita still had one more question for Suga. "Hey Suga-san?" Suga hummed in reply. "When you told me to give someone a chance and they'd would surprise me, you weren't talking about Tanaka, were you?"

Suga smirked, "Nope, I knew you'd figure it out. You did, right?"

"You were talking about me."

"Yup."

"Why didn't you just say that?" Ennoshita asked swinging his hands around. 

Suga laughed and gave him a bright smile, this time it was genuine.

"Now, where's the fun in that?"

 

* * *

 

Ennoshita's savior came in the form of a spiky haired, hyper active libero or as everyone knows him as Noya. He wanted to know what was going on in Tanaka's mind and Noya was the closest thing to it.

He stopped him in the hallway a couple of days after the fight. Tanaka and him had been back to ignoring each other. This time Daichi was kind enough to allow them to practice on opposite sides of the gym but only after he made Ennoshita promise he'd make up with Tanaka soon, at least before break started.

It had been five days and they still hadn't spoken a word to each other. Just because he had come to a realization that night didn't mean his personality did a 180. He was still the same coward, unsure of anything. He just wish he knew what Tanaka was thinking. That's why when Noya tackled him in the hallway he didn't stop him.

"CHIKARA!"

"Noya, please don't scream. I'm right next to you," Ennoshita said weakly rubbing his ears.

"Sorry we just haven't talked in awhile," his voice still loud, but at least he wasn't yelling.

He was right. Ennoshita and Noya hadn't really talked since him and Tanaka's argument. Ennoshita had assumed it was because Noya and Tanaka were Best Bros, so the libero was also upset with him, but Noya seemed pretty excited to talk to Ennoshita right now. He probably had his own reasons.

"Did you need something or did you just feel like tackling me today?" Ennoshita asked.

Noya's mood deflated. His hair seemed to wilt with it. "It's actually about Ryuu."

"Oh" Ennoshita's insides churned.

"Yeah," Noya nodded, "He didn't want me to talk to you about it but I'm going to anyway."

 He looked determined. Ennoshita decided to give him a chance. "Ok. What did you want to talk about?"

Noya looked unsure for a bit before he blurted out, "Ryuu misses you!"

"What?"

"I mean," Noya explained, "Ryuu thinks you think he hates you."

_Well, he's not wrong._

"And I want you to know he doesn't," Noya continued, "He really likes you. I think he just needs some time away from you, after everything ya know?"

"Yeah," that's exactly what Ennoshita thought. He just didn't know when to talk to him. Apparently Noya was full of answers today, though.

"I think you guys need to talk alone soon," he added then reached in to Ennoshita's jacket pocket and grabbed his phone, before Ennoshita could protest, "You have my number, right? Why is it saved under my name?"

"What's wrong with that?" Ennoshita asked trying to get his phone back, but of course Noya was quicker, dodging him quite easily.

"I just thought you should have some cool nickname for someone who's about to fix your love life," he said as he typed something and handed the phone back to Ennoshita.

He had been scared that he would text something to Tanaka, but instead he'd just given himself a special ringtone and changed his name. 

"Love Guru?" Ennoshita snorted, raising an eyebrow, "Really?"

"You'll be calling me that soon don't worry," He said smirking, "When you get a text from me you'll know that Ryuu is ready to talk. That's why set a cute text tone for myself."

When he's ready to talk, huh? Tanaka might be ready anytime now, but would Ennoshita ever be?

 

* * *

 

Apparently it didn't matter though. About a week later, his phone was buzzing with an unfamiliar, annoying tone. He was walking home from school, he was going to get there early because there was no practice today. Ennoshita stopped where he was to read the message, his stomach already squirming as though it knew what was coming.

**Love Guru:**

_Ryuu had to make up a quiz._

_He's gonna be alone._

_Now's you're chance._

_Go gettem'_

_You can thank me later_

_Oh yeah and good luck. I'm rooting for you._

The texts were coming in quickly, one right after another. Ennoshita barely registered them. Should he go? 

He didn't feel ready. Maybe he should wait a bit longer. He didn't even know what to say to Tanaka. Ennoshita would have to make a plan and then talk. 

Yeah that sounded good, rational and reasonable. He started walking again, his pace slow as though there were a weight on his legs. His breathing slowed down, his mind calm as he walked down the familiar path. The crisp air and gentle breeze mimicked his mood. He was going to be level headed about all of this. He was making the right choice, no matter how much it made his heart hurt.

And suddenly he was running back. It's like his body was deciding for him. It's like his body was saying, aw fuck it. He can think later, but right now he's going to run for it. His heart was pounding, his legs were aching and his backpack was swinging behind him. He was running, running back to the school. His legs were moving so fast he felt like he was flying. Only one thing on his mind.

_Ryuu._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if the chapter title is me saying 'oh fuck it' or if it actually fits the story? Who knows. Anyway I hope y'all liked this chapter. The next update will be the last. It's kind of exciting, isn't it?
> 
> For this chapter I was particularly concerned about the characterization. I put Daichi and Suga more into the story and when they usually appear as side characters they appear as the "Team Parents" and I didn't want to do that (as much as I kinda love that trope). I wanted them to be teenagers. Did it work? idk I feel like it might not have. Also I feel like this chapter might be confusing with all of the different conversations and ideas floating around. Does all of it make sense? Please tell me if it doesn't.
> 
> Thank you for all your comments on the last chapter. They were so nice and encouraging. I'm glad so many of you like what I write because sometimes I get very unsure of it. 
> 
> As always, I hope y'all have a nice day where ever you may be. 
> 
> P.S. I started writing an Ennotana Hogwarts AU! The [first chapter](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7257889/chapters/16479364) is up now and the second one should be up soon!


	10. Ennoshita and Tanaka

Ennoshita could barely breathe, barely think. He was really wishing he didn't skip out on so many of those morning jogs everyone else went on, as his lungs started to ache. But he wouldn't stop, couldn't get himself to stop, even if he wanted to. He was scared. If he stopped running, he'd turn back. If he slowed down, he'd give up. Something in him told him that wasn't an option this time. This time, he was going to do it. How, he had no idea. His mind was too busy placing one foot in front of the other, too busy navigating his way to Tanaka.

He was at the school before he knew it, running passed confused students and teachers trying to get to Tanaka on time, praying that he hadn't already left. Second floor classroom 1; it was at the end of the hall, of course it was the farthest room. His legs and mind were screaming, telling him to stop, but he trudged on the last few steps, each one feeling heavier than the last. Classroom 1; it was right in front of him. The little window in the door allowed him to see a shaved head bobbing around inside. His heart was pounding; he had made it in time.

He stood there, panting, leaning against the wall, attempting to recuperate before Tanaka made an appearance. He felt scrambled, all over the place, like he was in twenty different places at once. He felt the sweat trickle down his neck, despite the cool weather. He felt his body shake, his legs itching to move again, despite protesting it not long ago. He felt his heart beat faster than ever, despite the fact he wasn't moving an inch.

What was he thinking? What was he doing?

He wasn't ready for this. All his insecurities were bubbling up to the surface again. What if Noya was mistaken? What if Tanaka really didn't want to speak to him? Ennoshita could never be 100% sure of anything, what would make Tanaka any different? But Tanaka always seemed to be the exception. Ennoshita could only hope he was this time too.

He was thinking, spinning ideas, so fast and hard, that he didn't even notice someone pass by him, a certain spiker pass by him. By the time Ennoshita had looked up, Tanaka was already half way down the hallway.

"Ryuu, wait!" The words were out of his mouth before he could even think them, his feet already moving before he could tell them too.

Other pairs of eyes stared at him, including Tanaka. It all felt very familiar. He was making a scene again, but hopefully this would be the last one.

Tanaka stared at him wide eyed, shocked, like he didn't even notice Ennoshita waiting outside the classroom for him. At least he had his attention now.

"Ennoshita what are you-" Tanaka began stuttering. Ennoshita cut him off though.

"Ryuu listen I'm-" Ennoshita was still panting from the all the running, "I'm-I'm sorry. God, I'm so fucking sorry."

He could feel the word vomit coming up, or was it actual vomit? Ennoshita couldn't tell the difference in the moment. "I just- I know I've said it before, but last time I didn't mean it like that. You know, when I said I didn't want it to happen again." He was fumbling his words, not even sure what he was saying. He wrung his hands together, over and over again, like they would help him get a grip on reality. His courage was depleting quickly. He looked at his feet when he started again. "Actually, I want it to happen again, all the fucking time. I'm just stupid and scared and I've been an idiot and so-"

"Ennoshita," Tanaka interrupted suddenly. He looked up to find Tanaka meet his gaze fiercely.

"Yes?"

"Maybe we should do this somewhere else," Tanaka said, looking around at the other students who had stopped to enjoy the show.

Without waiting for a response from Ennoshita, he grabbed him by the wrist and started to run down the hallway. Ennoshita had no idea where they were going, but he'd probably let Tanaka drag him to the depths of hell if he wanted to.

Tanaka didn't look back once as they made their way outside, very determinedly leading them to the very wall Ennoshita had punched that night. Before he could gather any of his bearings, He was being shoved against the wall. Tanaka leaned in close to him. 

"Ryuu-"

"Shut up," Tanaka mumbled before kissing the breath out of Ennoshita.

He immediately melted into the kiss, hands going up to cling at the back of his neck, as Tanaka pushed him further into the wall. Tanaka's hands were gripping at his thighs, urging him to wrap the around his waist, to get them closer. Ennoshita was too dizzy to think properly and obliged quickly, allowing Tanaka to carry his weight entirely. He was too focused on the other boy's lips to care. Tanaka was kissing him. _Wait, Tanaka was kissing him_.

What was happening? He had so much to say. They couldn't do this right now; everything had to be cleared before anything could happen, again. He didn't want it turn out like that night. It took all his willpower, but Ennoshita pulled away from Tanaka.

"Ryuu wait we can't-" Tanaka's lips were back on his, cutting him off.

Ennoshita pulled away again. "No, Ryuu I -"

Instead Tanaka's lips went down to his neck, sucking and pulling at the skin. Ennoshita had to hold in a gasp.

His voice was rough as he spoke, "I thought this is what you wanted, right?"

"What?" Ennoshita whimpered, confused and too weak to fight himself on this, simply allowing Tanaka back in.

"You said," Tanaka's breath was warm against his skin, "you wanted it do it again. What am I distracting you from this time?"

 _What?_ Is that what Tanaka thought he meant? Ennoshita was dealing with a bigger idiot than he thought he was.

Ennoshita pulled at Tanaka's neck, with both hands, until the other boy was facing him. Tanaka's gaze was still just as fiercely determined as before.

He looked Tanaka straight in the eye, taking a deep breath and said, "Ryuu you're so fucking dumb."

Tanaka stared at him dumbfounded, but he seemed to be broken out of a trance.

"I don't want _this_ ," Ennoshita continued.

That sent Tanaka into a frenzy. He pulled back even more, his mouth opening and closing quickly, like he lost the words he was trying to speak. "Oh my gosh Ennoshita I'm so sorry. I thought you needed me to- I thought you wanted to- I'll never touch you again!"

He started to loosen his grip on Ennoshita's thighs to let him down gently, but Ennoshita pulled him back in so their noses were almost touching. It seemed like Tanaka couldn't look him in the eye anymore, as his gaze was fixed at Ennoshita's sweater instead. That was fine though because Ennoshita was going to spill everything no matter where Tanaka was looking, no matter what Tanaka thought. He was going to say it.

"I like you, you idiot!" Ennoshita practically screamed as though it was the only way to get through to Tanaka, even though he was barely an inch away, "God, I'm probably in love with you even and it's fucking obvious! Everyone freaking knows besides you! I've been too scared to tell you, but you've been driving me insane, or more insane than I already am." Ennoshita was fucking crazy, but he couldn't stop. Tanaka just stared at him, mouth and eyes wide in shock. "I don't want you as a fucking distraction. I lied that night. I want you- I want- I-I don't even fucking know, but I just want to be close to you ok? And I don't want you to hate me anymore because it's fucking killing me and yeah I just wanted you to know that I fucking love you even though you're an idiot."

By the end he lost steam and his words were getting lost in his panting, his rant had taken a lot of effort, emotionally and physically. It seemed to have done the trick though as Tanaka was staring at him, like he didn't know what else to do. Ennoshita stared back just as hard. And suddenly Tanaka's knees buckled and they were both sent tumbling to the ground.

Ennoshita's back scraped harshly against the brick, but the rest of him landed safely in Tanaka's lap, who had fallen to his knees. His face was buried in Ennoshita's sweater. It took him a while to notice, but Tanaka had been murmuring something repeatedly into the fabric.

"You like me. Oh my gosh, I thought- I thought you didn't want me. After the match, all those weeks- I thought you didn't-" Tanaka said shakily, refusing to lift his head from its spot. Ennoshita allowed him to stay there, rubbing circles into the back of his neck, trying to calm him down. He could feel Tanaka's pulse beating rapidly. The other boy was just as nervous as Ennoshita.

Slowly Tanaka stopped rambling, his breathing slowing down with it. Ennoshita stared out over Tanaka's head at the little flowers growing in the grass. He traced them as he waited for Tanaka to properly respond to him, their small delicate frames calming his mind. He was going to be ok, no matter what Tanaka said.

It was so silent. The scene was so still. The only thing punctuating it was their heavy breathing.

"I like you too." Tanaka's voice was so small, Ennoshita almost missed the words mumbled into his sweater as Tanaka gripped at him tightly. Ennoshita gripped back just as much.

His throat suddenly felt dry; his heart suddenly felt light. _Tanaka likes him_. He gulped, "Oh, that's nice."

"It really hasn't been," Tanaka chuckled.

"Sorry bout that." Ennoshita went back to rubbing at his neck in apology and Tanaka just hummed in appreciation.

Both of them refused to look at the other. In the moment, everything felt much more real. It was all hitting him at once. He didn't know what do to anymore. Ennoshita honestly never thought he'd make it this far. He didn't have a plan, no lies to tell, no story to weave. How out of character of him. How main character of him, to be able to just bask in a moment, like he was the center of the universe. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't, but in this moment, for once, Ennoshita didn't care, as he ran his hands across the plane of Tanaka's back.

Tanaka sighed one last time before pulling away from Ennoshita's chest. He looked up and greeted Ennoshita with a wide, bright smile, the same one that makes his heart stop.

"That was absolutely the worst confession I've ever heard," Tanaka stated, pinching at Ennoshita's side teasingly.

Ennoshita gasped and pushed lightly at Tanaka's chest, "What? Are you serious right now?"

"Yeah," Tanaka said, sitting straight and pulling Ennoshita closer so that most of his weight was back on Tanaka instead of the wall, "You called me an idiot like three times. Who does that during a confession?"

Ennoshita could feel his cheeks burn. Leave it to Tanaka to make fun of him right after all of this. "Well I call them like I see them. Besides I only called you an idiot twice. The other time I just said you were dumb."

"Like that's any better," Tanaka laughed and then hid his face in Ennoshita's neck again, "I think you're going to have to say it again without calling me an idiot for it to count."

Ennoshita spluttered, "What?! No, I already said it once."

"C'mon say it."

"No."

"Chikaaaa," Tanaka whined, rubbing his nose into Ennoshita's skin. His voice softened when he spoke again, "I want to hear you say it again."

Damn, that nickname was Ennoshita's weakness.

"Fine," Ennoshita huffed. He looked to the side pointedly and held Tanaka's head in place, so that he wouldn't have to look at him. "I like you, Ryuu."

Ennoshita's cheeks immediately flushed as his statement hung in between them. Tanaka didn't seem phased as he lifted his head back up.

"I like you too, Chika," Tanaka whispered, like it was a secret and then leaned in to place the softest kiss on Ennoshita's lips. It was slow and deliberate, such a contrast from the one from before. Every one of his moves was hesitant, like he was waiting for Ennoshita's approval.

It took Ennoshita a minute to find his voice when Tanaka pulled away. "So," Ennoshita said as Tanaka rubbed their noses together, in a gesture so sweet he almost stopped speaking, "I think I owe you some pudding and I think we have some more stuff to talk about."

"You do and we do," Tanaka agreed, a wicked smile on his face, "Where do you suggest we eat this pudding and discuss the stuff?"

"Well," Ennoshita said playfully, "My parents aren't home."

"How convenient," Tanaka teased, "Let's hope this ends up like last time."

"What with us not speaking for weeks?" Ennoshita asked as he wiggled out from Tanaka's grip. The other boy had been holding on like never wanted to let go.

"No," Tanaka said as he gathered his things, then turned back to Ennoshita with a twinkle in his eye, "With my fingers up your ass."

"Pervert," Ennoshita deadpanned and then ran down the path screaming, "Perverts don't get pudding!"

He heard Tanaka yell after him, "Chikaaa! Wait! I was just joking!"

Ennoshita just laughed and kept running, not turning around once, knowing that for the first time he was sure someone was going to follow him where ever he went.

 

* * *

 

 

They ended up in Ennoshita's room again, spoon feeding each other pudding as Ennoshita sat in Tanaka's lap (It was slowly becoming his favorite spot.). Ennoshita knew they were sickeningly sweet and that if anyone from the team saw them, they'd get made fun of, but for some reason he couldn't stop giggling as he fed Tanaka.

Tanaka seemed just as happy though, as he stole kisses in between bites. It was disgustingly cheesy. Ennoshita felt like he didn't deserve any of it. As they finished, he remember how he still hadn't apologized for everything that he had put Tanaka through, everything he had put them through. Pudding didn't seem like it was going to cut it.

Before he could get anything out, he was tackled to the bed and Tanaka's lips were back on his. When Ennoshita didn't respond though, he pulled away.

"What's wrong?" Tanaka asked, leaning on one of his elbows while using his other hand to card through Ennoshita's hair.

He leaned into the touch as he responded, "I haven't gotten to apologize for everything."

"Oh, Chika you don't need-"

"But I do," Ennoshita insisted, scooting up the bed and sitting so he was leaning against the wall. Pulling away from Tanaka helped him get out of the happy daze he was in. For a moment he had forgotten about how messed up he had been. "I said some terrible things to you and I'm really sorry. I don't know what I was thinking when I said all that."

"It's ok. You were angry and confused. You didn't mean it," Tanaka reassured, hesitantly inching closer so that he could close the space between them.

"That's not an excuse! Everyone keeps acting like it is, but it's not," Ennoshita said bitterly, turning to face the corner as he felt tears start to well up, "I assumed the worst about you and all you had ever done was comfort me. And that night I-I manipulated you and all you wanted to do was help me again because that's all you've been wanting to do."

"That's not true, Chika," Tanaka said after a moment of silence, "I'm just as much as fault here."

When Ennoshita opened his mouth to protest, Tanaka cut him off, "Yes I am. I'm the one who pulled away after finals. It must've been so confusing for you. I'd have been more surprised if you didn't freak out," he paused to chuckle, "And that night. You always make it out, like you forced me, but I didn't do anything I didn't want to do."

He looked up at Ennoshita, eyes shining, "I wanted it to happen so badly. That's why today, when you made it seem like you needed it again, I had to give it to you. So actually, I'm sorry because I assumed the worst of you today. Now we're even, ok?"

Ennoshita still refused to look directly at him as tears were streaming freely down his face. "Bu-b-but-"

"No buts," Tanaka said when he heard Ennoshita start to protest and opened his arms widely, "Just come here you big idiot."

Ennoshita dove into his arms, burying his face in Tanaka's sweater. He was now practically sobbing. He wasn't sure why anymore, but he couldn't get the tears to stop. He just felt so relieved. Tanaka didn't think it was all his fault. Everything wasn't his fault. He wasn't the bad guy. He had try to confirm it with himself earlier, but hearing it from Tanaka made it real.

"Sometimes you would think that you're the stupid one in this relationship," Tanaka laughed, brushing a hand through Ennoshita's hair as he held him closer.

Ennoshita gave him a watery chuckle as he pulled away, his tears finally coming to a stopping point. His heart was suddenly racing again because of one word. "Relationship?"

Ennoshita gulped, suddenly worried. Yes, he had wanted to be with Tanaka for so long now, but he tended to idealize things in his mind. He never thought he'd actually get a chance with him.

Tanaka blushed at the question and began to stutter, "Well- umm- we don't have to-"

Ennoshita decided to save him. "Look, Tanaka, I've wanted this for a while now, but I don't know, I still feel like I'm not ready."

What was he saying? He had the guy and he was rejecting him. But Ennoshita knew it was what he had to do. Despite all the tear filled sincere apologies, there was still the dull ache in his chest he had to fix, on his own. He couldn't put Tanaka through it all again. 

"Chikara, if you're really not ready, it's fine," Tanaka said, "but if it's because you don't want me to help you with your problems than that's a dumb reason."

Ennoshita stared at him, shocked. Was he that predictable?

"But, Ryuu, I feel like I'm really fucked up right now. I don't want to put you through it too," Ennoshita tried to reason.

"I like fucked up."

"I just don't want to disappoint you!" Ennoshita said frustrated by Tanaka's stubbornness, "I don't want you expecting something I can't give you."

Tanaka sighed, reaching out and intertwinning their fingers, softly rubbing his thumb across Ennoshita's hand. "How bout we compromise."

"What?"

"You don't like labels, right?" Tanaka asked and when Ennoshita just looked confused he explained further, "Captain, Guy #3, that's what they all are and you seem to tear yourself apart because of them."

Ennoshita had to admit, Tanaka got him there. "So how bout we just drop all of them. You're not a future captain or Guy #3 or my boyfriend or anything. You can be Ennoshita and I can be Tanaka and we can just like to cuddle from time to time. How does that sound?"

"Can we kiss too?"

Ennoshita watched as Tanaka cracked his biggest smile yet, like he was glad Ennoshita could still be lighthearted. "Yes, of course," He mumbled before, pulling Ennoshita into another round of kisses.

After a couple of small pecks, Tanaka began to whisper in his ear, "I swear when you're ready, I'm gonna take you on the best date ever."

"Umhumm. Are you?" Ennoshita teased in response, giving him more kisses in between.

"Yeah," Tanaka assured, "And for now, I'm just gonna tell you how great you are until you believe me."

"How annoying."

"Yeah must be," Tanaka said as he nosed at Ennoshita's jawline, "You're just so fucking pretty; It must be hard. I could look at you all day. I do, during practice, when you're in those shorts." He squeezed at Ennoshita's thighs for emphasis.

"Ryuu," Ennoshita gasped, wrapping his legs around Tanaka's middle so that he could press closer. With every one of Tanaka's words he could feel himself getting hotter and more impatient. Goddamn, Kinoshita was totally right about his praise kink.

Ennoshita knew if they didn't stop now, it would end up like last time. Some part of him was still scared that the same coldness would set in after they were done. He could feel it all closing in on him again He didn't want the distance again, so he reluctantly pushed Tanaka away a little. The other boy immediately reacted and pulled away so that he was hovering above Ennoshita again.

"You ok?" He asked, eyebrows scrunched up.

"Yeah, yeah," Ennoshita said hurriedly, "It's just I don't want to rush anything and I'm still-"

His rambling was cut off by a loud yawn from Tanaka. Ennoshita softened quickly. "Are you tired?" He asked, rubbing his thumb at Tanaka's temple.

Tanaka just nodded sleepily in response. "Sorry I haven't gotten a lot of sleep recently. Can we take a nap break and continue this later?"

Ennoshita laughed, the pressure in his chest lifting, "Of course."

They got under the covers, still fully clothed. Ennoshita turned to face Tanaka to ask if he was comfortable, but found that the other boy already had closed his eyes. There was a space between them. It wasn't so cold though, and Ennoshita didn't feel the need to fill it. That night it had been harsh and quick and rough. This moment felt like quite the opposite, like it was slow and soft, at the pace Ennoshita wanted it to be.

Now that nothing was happening, Ennoshita could see just how tired he was. He had dark circles around his eyes that contrasted with his paled skin. Ennoshita wondered how many nights of sleep Tanaka lost on him. He felt a pull at his heart at the thought.

Tanaka was still beautiful, even with the lack of sleep. The soft light streaming through Ennoshita's blinds caused him to practically glow. It all hit him at once, it was like a punch in the gut. Tanaka was taking his breath away without even trying. Ennoshita wondered if Tanaka knew how beautiful he was, if anyone bothered to tell him, if he even cared. Ennoshita felt like he should know, that everyone should tell him all the time.

"Ryuu," Ennoshita said softly, not wanting to break the moment and Tanaka hummed in response so he knew he was listening.

Ennoshita closed his eyes as he spoke, feeling nervous and giddy suddenly, like he was the one being complimented, "I think you're beautiful."

He opened his eyes when he heard Tanaka gasp.

Ennoshita wasn't sure about a lot of things. He doubted himself on every turn; he had trust issues a mile long, and he was still scared, so scared, of everything.

But in that moment he was sure of two things: He was without a doubt the happiest he had ever been and that Tanaka, blushing in the dying sunlight, was the prettiest thing he had ever seen.


	11. Ennoshita's Theory

Ennoshita had a theory, a strange theory, one that crept up on him when his room was too dark, his bed too warm, but his feet too cold. It was a theory that suffocated him, strangled him until he couldn't breath. He was Guy #3 in a world of heroes. A background character, that didn't matter to anyone; someone who could disappear without anyone caring.

It still haunts him. It was a hard theory to shake. It sneaked up on him even while it was too bright, in the cool gym, while his toes were snugly fit into his socks. He still thought about it even when the new first years acknowledged him, called him captain. That's what he was to them: captain, a strong third year. But the title made him feel paper thin, a stalk character. They didn't see the way he would cry everyday after practice for the first week or how his hands would shake badly whenever he spoke to them as a group. 

He was just their captain. Outside of practice he was nothing more than a Guy #3.

But it was ok. It was ok because Ennoshita did the same thing. He didn't notice Kageyama and Hinata's growing tension until Hinata tackled the other boy, crying about how he never called him after what happened. He didn't notice Tsukishima's and Yamaguchi's interlocked hands, until they weren't. Ennoshita didn't notice a lot of things about his team, about people, until it became relevant to him. It made guilt well up in the pit of his stomach and dragged him back down to dark places. To think that he could've stopped it if he had just noticed. Maybe he had some Guy #3's of his own.

But he was reminded that it was ok. It was ok that he didn't notice every detail in everyone's lives. People missed lots of things about him; he was allowed to miss things about other people. Tanaka reminded him of that in the way he kissed away his tears after practice. It was in the way he secretly intertwined their pinkies when Ennoshita's hands were shaking too much. Kinoshita and Narita reminded him of it when they placed a well timed pat on his back, right when he thought he wasn't going to make it through a practice. 

He was a living, breathing human being. He was allowed to be out of character sometimes and he was allowed to make mistakes. He was Ennoshita Chikara.

"Remember we're Ennoshita and Tanaka," Tanaka would always say when he thought too hard, "We don't need to be anything."

Yes they were still just Ennoshita and Tanaka. He had a feeling they'd keep it that way for a while, until he didn't feel like he was sinking anymore. When he didn't feel like he was drowning in expectations and labels. When he didn't feel so extra and dull next to Tanaka.

It would take some time, but Ennoshita could feel it coming up soon. His theory had started to creep up on him less and less. On some days it even seemed silly. A lot of days he felt defiant even. 

So what if he was Guy#3? If he was, he was going to be the best Guy #3 the world had ever seen. 

Whenever Ennoshita would add this to his rambling, Tanaka would always laugh and kiss him saying, "Of course who could be better than you?"

In those moments, when Ennoshita felt light, he couldn't help but think. Yeah, maybe  he was Guy #3 to most people. A lot of people didn't notice him and only needed him for a snide comment or some quick advice. But he didn't care. Because if Guy #3 could end up having someone as great as Tanaka, then being the hero was overrated anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise Double chapter update!!! Except this one isn't really a chapter, but I thought the story deserved something more conclusive. 
> 
> I hope y'all liked how it ended up and aren't disappointed in it! I want to thank everyone who supported the story so much! Every comment and kudos meant a lot to me. This story meant a lot to me and I'm glad so many of you enjoyed it too!
> 
> I hope y'all have a wonderful day :)
> 
> find me on [tumblr](https://thepessimistsblog.tumblr.com/)


End file.
